people you meet

appreciation is a wonderful thing.

it makes what is excellent in others belong to us a well.

-voltaire-

there have been many people along the way of my life that i know for certain have shaped the person that i have become, and there will be many more to affect the person i am still becoming. i am sure you have that immediately come to mind. let's see.... me? well, a high school spanish teacher, an early mentor in the new working world, a doctor that finally listened, a writer that opened my eyes to the preciousness and fragility of young life, a supervisor who taught me the tricks of the trade, to name a few. every one of these people left me with a gift, no matter how large or how small, and instilled in me a sense of obligation to others that i will most likely never forget.

the same can be said for my ms world of influence-but it's multi-faceted and slightly more personal. i don't attend ms support groups. i hate the ever present question regarding my cane or my gait. i resist speaking to others afflicted with ms. i hate the "my cousin has MS and she's doing great" conversation starter. i look away when i see someone in a wheelchair or walking with a cane. to be totally honest, i can't articulate exactly why i behave in this manner, but i do know that it is an odd combination of fear and embarrassment. but, as we all know, life has twists and turns that puts you smack dab in the middle of situations you would normally go screaming from. (and there is a reason for it, at least 99.4295837% of the time.)

the first when was the fall of 06. the where was my frequently visited neurologist's office in fairfax, va, receiving my 6th or 7th steroid infusion. i remember that eleanor's mom, jean, happened to be in town, and since i was too weak to drive (not to mention being hopped up on pain medication), she offered to accompany me to that day's treatment. quick background: work was insane, our team was under staffed in key areas, and we had we had been pulling 60 hour weeks the majority of the past few months. what fell in my area of "expertise" (and i do use that term jokingly, considering i had not been around the advertising block long enough to acquire such a label) was client service for the upcoming fall and spring promotions, exploratory creative for summer 07 tv, and a last minute sponsorship of a cable television program. the latter wound up requiring a client-supervised taping in Michigan the same week, so to say i was stressed was a complete understatement.

i told her the plan. we sit quietly for the 3 hour treatment, reading a book or the paper, not participating in any banter, then come back to my apartment where I had struck a deal with my boss that I wouldn't come into the office, but I would work from home. (hello, i'm meg morgensen- a health blip wasn't going to keep me down!) this part of the story is otherwise known as denial, the gift of hindsight being 20/20. i usually kept to myself when a patient in the center. i rarely had the energy nor the desire to carry on conversations with people that were most likely feeling as shitty as i was. but that day was different. there was a man there whose personality lit up the room. you could tell that he was charming, and definitely a joker. there wasn't a nurse or doctor there that didn't banter with him as they passed our section of the neurology center. his wife was with him, and she sent out a vibe that was peaceful, calming and kind. you could tell she really adored her husband. i kept sneaking glances over at them, pretending i wasn't interested, but in reality i was intrigued. i don't remember how we struck up a conversation, but before i knew it, the 4 of us were talking like old friends, and those 3 hours that normally dragggggged on? they were over!

the who was robert michael, and his wife's cynthia. he was there for his scheduled 6-8 wk dose of Cytoxan (an immunosupressive drug usually used for cancer, but has been used for people with primary or secondary progressive MS) i'm not sure if he sensed what i was going through, but i have to assume he was, since the struggle between your career and your health is a constant theme among those whose MS is active. i'm pretty sure he had surmised the situation in one glance. by the end of that same day, i had received an email inviting me to dinner at my convenience. unfortunately, we never had the chance to share that dinner (yet!) but since then we've shared a friendship that has continued to inspire me. and he has this uncanny sense of knowing when i'm at my lowest with this battle.

Robert's ready to ride...

this july, robert took part in the PA Dutch MS 150 bike tour fundraiser. his ability to train for and participate in the event was impressive enough, but in typical robert fashion, he took it one step further. he did the event in my honor. and not just a passing phone call of "meg i'm doing this bike ride and i'm going to think about you and the cause!" hell, that would have been awesome in its own right. but, as i said before, this is robert we're talking about, and my name was plastered on every piece of anglo-american collateral there was- fundraising website, cyclist jerseys, autographed handkerchiefs, t-shirts. when he told me this, i was speechless. here he is, battling his own demons in a disease that kicks his ass just as much as mine (if not more), and he's dedicating the moment to me. when all was said and done, he had raised $5,950, and the team over $13,000- all to MS research!

Robert Michael's jersey; Team Anglo-American post-ride

Madisen wants to be the team mascot; Meg waits at the Finish Line

stacie & meg, 7.07

the second when was only a few months ago, when mom began attending the local ms support group at the local hospital. a woman she met there told her about another attendee, jane, who was going through an extremely similar situation. her daughter, the who, is stacie. she lives in boston, and Jane had taken many trips there helping out due to her daughter's limitations. mom reached out to jane, and they met one afternoon. i of course shouted to mom as she left "don't think i'm going to be friends with this woman just b/c you're talking to her mom!" turns out, one of our many similarities was that neither of us wanted to talk to each other in the first place! stacie had a nasty flare that left her vision extremely distorted, her walking is impaired like mine, and she struggled with major denial issues at onset. (sound familiar?) she likewise didn't attend any ms support groups and didn't like talking about her disease with others, especially others that have MS.

but we both changed our mind about that- and around the same time, too. her mother gave me her myspace information, and i spent a solid week clicking on her page a couple times a day, scoping out the situation. after hemming and hawing about what to say or when and how to say it, i finally sent her an email. the result has been a friendship that has been an outlet, a resource, a strength, a role model and above all, a commonality that i desperately needed. her favorite quote to me is "if don't use it, you lose it." and she truly does embrace that philosophy. she is using her love of fitness and certified knowledge in yoga & personal training to produce exercise videos for the disabled- the youthfully disabled at that. our people! ;)

Showing off some yoga moves...

this is why voltaire's quote is so meaningful when i think of people like robert, and stacie... that's one of the best things about having friends and embracing their unique skills and knowledge. before you know it, their best is becoming a part of your world, and you start seeing through their eyes, building on the wisdom & experience that has come before you. and thanks to them, the compassion and love is always there too.

who gets fired from physical therapy?

who gets fired from physical therapy? if anything, isn't it supposed to be the other way around? the patient quitting in a fit of frustration or at least a dramatic teary outburst? and wouldn't the latter be more expected of me? well, in a recent move that is par for the course in progress 2007, i was benched from physical therapy. now, in my PT's defense, and i do know she's sincere (commence ranting), she emphasized that she was not discharging me, that she was still going to keep my case on file, but i needed to get my physical ailments sorted out so that our work together is beneficial, not detrimental.

and the top runner of physical ailments at the time is my abused and overly medicated digestive system. (altho i have to admit- considering i've given up two of my great loves, pinot grigio and michelob ultra, you'd think my body would be thrilled with only having to process pills alone!) so to say that pt has been a burden or an exercise in frustration (other than what it normally is) over the past month specifically, is an understatement. i've used the last ounce of my energy to push the pedals on that damn bike, or do exercises on the giant red peanut, or just drag myself there in general- and she voiced what i hadn't- that instead of making progress, we're going in circles. she also referenced that she knew i'd get on my hands/knees and crawl there before i admitted i couldn't do it anymore, which made me laugh over the accuracy of the prediction.

and she's right- i'm physically miserable and in pain, and i'm not able to give pt the focus and energy i want to give it. but i don't know how to fix that! i'm really trying, i'm trying so hard. and for once, i can't blame the MS as the main source of these limitations, which is humorously ironic in and of itself. but i can only go as quick or as strong as my body allows me- and i'm not getting to work with a very big budget here.


how was your day honey? oh fine, i was fired from physical therapy, that's all.

guestbook 07

New Additions to Meg's Guestbook, Summer 07

since i've slacked a bit on the bragging rights from recent meg visitors, i thought i'd make up for some lost time by giving everyone their 5 mins of internet fame... i'm not the world's most exciting host- visits include many naps, long talks with mom, reading trashy magazines, reminding me to take my medicine and do my treatments, and if you're lucky, a trip to the local CVS or post office. but most of you are slaves to work, so a visit here is like a retreat of relaxation, hopefully! (btw, those pangs you feel as you're scanning this are stabbings of guilt for not visiting me. ha!!!)

4.28.07-4.29.07 Holly Shaw, Arlington VA

whoa, i needed to reach into the way-back file for this one. i can't believe i didn't document holly's vist in may- mom even made one of her infamous welcome banners (1st time in the new house!!) she came laden with gluten-free offerings from my major miss, Whole Foods. i got the update on work drama (which i still get totally into) and even stayed up past 10pm that saturday night (major achievement these days). she had so much fun that she's even coming back for more- she & matthew are making an overnight stop next week on their way to vacation on the farm.

6.7.07-6.10.07 Meredith & Kate Sheline, Birmingham AL

it was our first introduction to Baby Kate during an extended weekend visit from her hot mom Meredith. i was primed to be kate's favorite, but that title went to the true star of the family, our dog madisen. i guess i'll have to settle for favorite human. dad took us on a country drive, determined to show meredith our amish neighbors (there were a few buggy sightings), and we polished off burgers at our favorite drive-up, The Fence. (think sonic with those perky rollerskating waitresses that come to your window- but without the roller skates.) mere's trip back home didn't go so smoothly- there was an earmuff situation with an asshole over a canceled leg of the flight. she has more patience than i would- flying from noon to midnight with a 9 month old...

6.16.07 Kate Hartig, Arlington VA

social butterfly Kate Hartig took to the open road on saturday for an overnight trip to her country home. i'm glad i was worth shrugging off that wicked hangover for 3 hours on the road, hee hee. she helped celebrate father's day with a delicious brunch prepared by none other than dad himself! we watched the predictable chick flick "music & lyrics" which was surprisingly cute- that drew barrymore & her romantic comedies!!

6.18.07-6.20.07 Barb Lyneis McLucas, Williamstown MA

Barb, our "save the day" donor from this year's Cure Crew/MS Walk fundraiser, hopped in her yellow boxster for a 350mi road trip on one of the hottest day(s) on east coast recent history- and has the sunburn to prove it. barb is mom's best friend from high school, and basically is who i want to be when i grow up. her first task as visitor was to cook dinner, and we feasted on grilled salmon and asparagus. she brought a gift basket that had (2) big hits- a rooster, and a delicious pepper jam paired with cream cheese. mom gave her a splash of local culture- they went to the farmer's market to see mom's favorite Amish cheese vendor, and of course sample the local whoopie pies. what's a trip to PA without having a whoopie pie?!

6.18.07 Lindsay Casteel, McLean VA

Lindsay made a quick detour on her drive back to DC from a visit home to the fam in Bloomsburg. she delivered a fresh crop of girlie books to entertain and distract me. i pumped her for work gossip, and gave her way too much information on my recent colonoscopy. poor girl. btw either she is wicked tan, or i'm wicked pale. for both of our sakes, let's hope she's just tan.

add it to my medical resume

by the time i reach middle age, and require various medical tests and procedures, i am going to be old hat at almost any test there is! (by the time i'm middle age, we'll probably swallow pills with cameras that photograph our insides) this week i added "colonoscopy/endoscopy" to my medical resume, thanks to X-Man Stealth and my other GI woes.

the procedure itself was easier than getting an MRI- you lie in a comfy bed, don't have to wear a bra, are totally knocked out, and sleep through the whole thing! in my opinion, the doctors are the ones who have the short end of the stick- i sure as hell wouldn't want that job. the pre-procedure prep is easy as cake, too! (especially if you like lemon-lime gatorade, which i'm a huge fan of) you pop a couple pills to get things moving, then gulp down an 8oz glass of spiked gatorade every 20 mins for an hour or two. unfortunately, my pre-prep didn't go as textbook as preferred- the dr. told my mom afterwards that i wasn't cleaned out at all!!! so embarrassing! he said that they were expecting such an outcome and were able to "work through it". again, the docs def have the worse part of this deal!

did you know that your esophagus muscle can be weakened and cause acid-reflux like symptoms? (i asked. there are no exercises to strengthen this muscle.)

there are always precautions when dealing with anesthesia. to put it in layman's terms, it is physically manipulating your body's central nervous system- your body's entire communication network! as far as general anesthesia is concerned, it inhibits your brain from perceiving pain signals (or any other messages) from the nervous system (temporarily, of course.) we're talking big time stuff here, no matter how healthy or unhealthy the patient. throw in a medication list as long as a typical office memo, an influential fentanyl patch (loves to mess with your heart rate and can make sedation difficult), and an auto-immune disease that affects the central nervous sytem itself, and you have an anesthesiologist's dream patient .

unfortunately, my body didn't breeze through the post procedure like it did the pre-prep steps. i have been experiencing a level of exhaustion that i haven't felt in weeks- i can barely put one foot in front of the other, and have slept every few hours the past 2 days. when i woke up this evening from napping, i felt like i had been run over by a MAC truck- and served as a personal dance floor to King Kong. i've been in an incredibly pouty and snappy mood, and my level of patience is next to nothing. if things don't improve by Friday, i might give my GI doctor a ring- which means they will tell me to call my neurologist, who of course will say to rest and keep an eye on things over the weekend. see, i don't even need to call the doctor! i can already predict next steps. just call me dr. meggers.

magic #4, but disappointed #1

it's a big week here at Camp Meg 2007. this am was the highly anticipated 4th infusion @ the oncologist- after a game of hide & seek with my veins and their needles, that is. (note to self: for early am infusions, swap the mug of coffee for the bottle of Figi.) the doctor's original timeline still repeats itself in the back of my head ("it will take at least 4-6 infusions to see improvements- if it helps at all...") and yesterday was the highly anticipated first 5 min workout on the exercise bike, officially approved and directed by my physical therapist. this one didn't go so well either- i could only do 1 minute, and 30 seconds of that was cheating to tell you the truth. (i was pushing my thighs down to move the pedals.) i couldn't keep cycling fast enough to even keep the damn machine on!!!

i've been struggling the past 2 weeks with increased flares of existing issues- most specifically, overwhelming fatigue and intense joint pain. the closer it came to the monthly infusion, each day seemed to require more ice packs, less food, more painkillers, more naps, more heating pads... it's as if my sensitivity level skyrockets by the time i'm headed to harrisburg for the infusion.

BUT, i have a working theory on this, which you might have already picked up on by the intro. the Tysabri could be working- but it definitely depends on a rigid monthly schedule. as the month wears on, the meds seem to be watered down, so the effectiveness decreases. after the next infusion, it kicks into gear again. unfortunately, with only (4) infusions under my belt, it's too early to tell if the month's medicine starts all over again, or improves upon the previous month(s) doses. obviously, i'd hope for the latter. (there's probably a better way to phrase that sentence, but i'm having issues with expressing myself today.)

i'm still blown away by the intimacy and personal care the medical staff provides. i have only been to this location for the infusion 1x before, and it was a month ago, so i wasn't expecting anyone to have memorized my file. but from the moment i walked up to the front desk to check in, she addressed me by name immediately! and that continued even as i walked out the door- passing a couple nurses and a woman in billing. what means a lot to me is that i have been assigned the same nurse for my treatments, and this is important. jackie is familiar with the treatment i am having, the additional medication i require with the meds (anti-nausea ,thank god), and picks up on my personality in the treatment room (little conversation, an afghan, and sprite) without all the small talk bullshit that usually goes along with doctor visits.

after treatment was completed, we had to make a quick stop to pick up the infamous "separates" (i am getting this wedding lingo down slowly) that finally arrived from the secret hideaway known as the david's bridal warehouse. (has anyone ever wondered why a GUY- assumedly "david"- wanted to start a store for women wedding necessities? i have.) i am now ready for my bridesmaid role in patty/bryan's august ceremony. speaking of their big day, patty had texted me that they would be meeting with the preacher who will be presiding over the ceremony this week. i had brief flashbacks of halloween '01 when emma/sandy used a church basement staircase for a temporary restroom. i'm crossing my fingers that God can tell the difference between patty and sandy- otherwise, she might be screwed.

i do have a final point to this posting. (i've been taking the free association approach on this one- which would make it easy to pick up where you left off without being confused. see, i'm thinking of my readers.) across from david's bridal, in the booming metropolitan of harrisburg, pa, was.... .... a TARGET! its beautiful red/white logo was beckoning to us, hypnotizing mom & i as it lured us into the store. ahhh... mom said it best- "we're home!" and i echoed her sentiment. (something tells me that dad felt a pang of dread and grasped his wallet around that same time.) even tho i didn't have the energy to work my way throughout all the fabulous departments (purses, shoes, greeting cards, lounge wear, makeup, picture frames- ok, ok, i'm getting carried away), i was able to walk through approx 1/16 of the floorspace, breathing in the smell of beauty bargains and bright-colored signage left and right. oh, how i've missed you,Target!

i think i have a new motivation for getting back on that exercise bike, and it begins with a T.

game-changer

sometimes i get a nagging little feeling that tells me i was meant to wind up where i am, that this was pre-arranged instead of an unlucky draw of the short straw, a time continuum explosion-esque, accident of epic proportions type of thing. lucky for you, i'm embarrassed to cop to a few- they're so small and relatively unimportant that you'd probably think i'm more crazed than you already do. but lumped together... well, it's a theory anyhow.

quick survey: who here hasn't met my family (or at least know of my family, heard stories about my family, you get the drift)? anyone who hasn't played a game of 20 questions with my mother (except you don't get to ask any questions- sorry, house rule)? oh- and here's a classic one: who hasn't had money slipped in her purse or shoved in their hands just by stepping in the apartment? received thank-you notes for being friends with me? (i'm serious.)

i've always had popular parents. growing up, i'm almost positive i was annoyed by this- or make that embarrassed. "maaahh-om, we're talking!!!" (actually, i have a brief memory of getting mad at her once b/c she was the only mother who wore "cool" clothes!) not surprisingly, and as most kids/teens do, i took such an honor for granted with an eye roll and flip of the hair. but over the years, i easily grew into the compliment- and now i practically brag about it. in college, i enjoyed mom and dad's visits as much as my friends did- i loved showing them off to my roommates and coworkers at the student union desk (or the occasional bball game i'd manage to score tix to). friends would arrange to stop by at some point to visit, and almost everyone managed to score an invite to a dinner out at one time or another.

they know all of my friends names, what they do for their job, where they're from, what's going on in their lives. (it's a running joke that my mom will know everything about you within the first 15 minutes of meeting you.) they know my coworkers and my neighbors, they're invited to almost all of my friends' weddings, they send birthday cards and baby gifts. having guests over to dinner almost always involves story telling. in fact, it was just recently that dad tried to make that illegal getaway at the falls church park & ride lot. and poor mom- such an easy target (and thankfully a good sport). we still give her hell about backing the car into the stop sign or the infamous "cell phone" drama- and those were at least 10 years ago! but dad is an equal souce of comedy- like when he got the Budget truck stuck in the snow from his brilliant scheme to unload my furniture or when he recently got run over by his own lawn mower in the backyard. oh, and if mom allows him to tell them, he has great stories from his college days (my favorite involves the alcoholic house mother, a water hose, and the top floor of the fraternity house.)

but let me try to get to the point. all of this hasn't stopped me from being jealous of those whose homes are crowded with multiple brothers and sisters, with grandparents still alive or that lived close by when growing up. i'd listen enviously to friends' stories of multi-family reunions and birthdays, and coworkers' plans for thanksgiving and christmas festivities with aunts, uncles, cousins, the whole works. the jealousy stems from the size of my immediate family- it's just mike & i and mom & dad (plus a never ending stream of animals.) the extended part of our family lives all over the country- illinois, indiana, california, arizona, iowa. sure, a good excuse to see the countryside, but expensive for a family of 4 to travel so far, and for some reason we have always been the ones to do the traveling. and after our grandparents died, any obligation to see one another seemed to become even less, so this little family of ours became everything.

when my grandparents died, i was still a self-absorbed teenager who could hardly get through my own grief, let alone grasp the concept of how hard it must have been for my parents. but as i've gotten older, i have revisited that time. but instead of thinking about my grandparents, i am thinking about my parents. i'm starting to have some idea, and that terrifies me. my parents have shed the blanket role of "parent" and have taken on these roles that i never imagined possible! i'm learning things about them i never knew before (sometimes way more than i want to know, but that's a story for another day).

as i type this, there's a thought at the back of my mind that keeps pushing its way forward- a little voice that says "but meg, if you're getting older, this means everyone's getting older, this cozy, intimate family won't always be around..." and i can feel my heart start to beat a bit faster.

being diagnosed with a chronic disease changes every single aspect of your life. you can kid yourself all you want (i'm not being critical if this happens to target you- that would be the pot calling the kettle black) but you'd be a liar if you couldn't name at least one thing that has been affected. for me, a realization of and a subsequent shift in the importance of family began to occur. i have this family that stopped their lives to come pick up the pieces of mine. pause. my family dropped what they were doing to come do what i could not. this was mind blowing to me. sure, everyone sees their family as a part of their life. but until that moment, i had never seen my family as my life.

again, that uncomfortable feeling... what am i going to do when- what the hell? i just came to this realization, can't i wallow in the security and support for awhile? like most good things, i didn't have long to do so. the quiet possibility became more of a "slap you in the face-cold water shower-5am alarm clock" reality this spring...

dad was diagnosed with cancer this april. yep, the big C word. prostate cancer. they say that prostate cancer is one of the best cancers to have. well let me ask "they" a question- have you ever had prostate cancer?! who the hell wants cancer in the first place?! the diagnosis hit hard, and all i could think was "NO! You can't do this to me! I can't handle this now!". ok, wait a minute, did i just say "ME"???? how selfish is that?! i was wracked in guilt over this- dad has made sacrifices for me, dropped everything for me, is fighting so hard for my treatment and doing everything possible to aid in my recovery. but when it's my turn to return the favor, to be strong for him, all i can think about are my own feelings of fear! but adding on to the fear and the guilt, was anger. i was so furious with the biopsy results, the pathology reports, the doctor, the universe... is there anything else i can be mad at? it had to be wrong.

and then i began to play the "what if" game. one such what if was what if i was still in dc and dad had called me with the news? most likely i wouldn't have answered my cell phone, so he'd leave a message to call him when i got a chance. in addition to not answering the phone, who knows when i would have listened to my messages- maybe a week? but when we finally did connect, i'd immediately want to come home to spend time with my family. (obviously such a move would not have changed anything, but there's a sense of comfort in such solidarity.) but there's no way in hell i would have been able to- april/may are (2) months of pure hell on my old work team!! the client's annual convention takes place, and if that's not enough, we'd be in the throes of the annual competitive research and presentation in addition to final tv edits for the summer launch. 65 hour work weeks don't mix well with askin my teammates to pick up the slack during my absence. another reason my theory at the top holds true.

but then i said it. i said the phrase that i NEVER say... "it isn't fair!!!!!" (i might have said "this is so f'ed up" too, but for PG rated sake, i'll leave that out.) it's not fair is quite frankly a phrase that is overused, and one of my pet peeves besides that (along with "i'm bored").

i never use this complaint in regards to my own life, but it didn't stop me from smacking it down instantly when it came to my father. wasn't it a more appropriate time than ever? i felt the unfairness of the situation seeping into all of my pores, swirling around over and over again- it was all i could think of!!! hadn't he gone through enough in the past year? what had he done to deserve such treatment? okay, okay, i'll admit- being his daughter it's possible i could be a tad biased. but here's the thing. he's quite simply the best man i have ever known. he's fair, he's kind, he's generous, he's loving, he's genuine, he's humorous, he's intelligent, he's hard-working, he's honest, and what i most respect about him- he rarely speaks a bad word about anyone. (unfortunately i didn't inherit this character trait, since i am the first to scream and rant about whoever pissed me off most recently.)

some type of alternate universe role reversal must have gone into effect, b/c i had a glimpse of what it feels like to be a parent. a moment of overpowering and intense realization that the importance of your life suddenly pales in significance to someone else, and an understanding of how my parents must be going through with my ongoing struggle against the MS. as far as dad's condition is concerned, there is nothing but positive outlooks on his next steps- he's a candidate for any of the treatment plans, he's chosen a nationally respected cancer center to work with, and he has no outward physical signs or complaints of the diagnosis. but it made things very real for me this spring, and all the more appreciative of this "short straw, a time continuum explosion-esque, accident of epic proportions type of thing."

“No matter what you've done for yourself or for humanity, if you can't look back on having given love and attention to your own family, what have you really accomplished?”

-Elbert Hubbard

X-Man Stealth

Suggested Stealth Action Figure

i've decided that MS should be given a character in the x-men comic team- one with the ability to become completely invisible, invade victims silently, and vanish after they've wreaked havoc. x-man "Stealth" ... i like it! it has a nice ring to it! but those of us in stealth-anonymous don't talk much about his attacks. can you blame us? besides being totally embarrassing, it can make you feel like you're a disgusting, powerless child. not to mention, they're not exactly topics that are dinner table appropriate or used as a pick-up line at a thursday night happy hour.

and it is true- there is an obvious stigma associated with these type of afflictions. but, hey, i've been known to share too much information at first introductions, so why stop now? so the truth is, i've been having some... "GI issues." (clearly spurred by Stealth himself.) don't worry, i'm not going to get too nitty-gritty with the details here- i'll be as vague as possible, and you can feel free to use your imagination...


battleground setting: some of my nerves are damaged (you don't say). and some of these damaged nerves aren't in ideal locations (shocking).

attack mode: some of my precious damaged and lesion-filled nerves have decided to send their little coded signals to my bladder and bowels at incorrect times, which in turn causes those muscles to work with little or no warning. OR the same rattled nerves fail to deliver any messages at all (what the hell are these retarded nerves doing attending a damaged nerve support group? having a date auction with the non damaged stud nerves?)

YIKES! CODE RED! we are now dealing with either a backup problem or a total flood, depending on which of the above mentioned scenarios are playing out. now, this alone is enough drama to deal with. but as the backup continues to build, instead of work itself out, the damage continues to my bladder/bowel muscles themselves, and they become too weak to do their own job (for example, emptying)! i'm telling you guys, it's a consequential shit storm (get it?) with a never ending bag of tricks.

analysis: i'm consider myself to be an understanding person- i'm even changed the rules once in awhile. but dammit, not always! and none of those situations are occurring at appropriate times. come on- there's nothing hotter than strapping yourself into an adult diaper before you slip that nightgown on and slide into bed. (at least they had velcro straps you could make tighter- can you not find Depends in an xsmall? or that don't have a huge "frontal" area? don't they make these gender-specific?) the up side of this is i'm obviously not bringing men home these days, phew! (just kidding mom & dad!!!)

present day: today i had one of the yummiest and creamiest barium cocktails i've had the pleasure of receiving over the years. and they were nice enough to serve me 3 times! yes, you guessed it- i had a CT scan. fun times. now, in dc, i'd pick up the barium in advance, mix it up the day of, gulp it down an hour before while still at the office, then run over for the 10 minute scan. apparently they don't adhere to this option in lewisburg.

i had to "check-in" and "pre-register" at the local hospital 2 hours in advance, which consisted of "yes, my name is meggie morgensen" and "yes, that is my phone number, thank you!". afterwards, i was taken to the CT waiting room, where a nurse served my first cup of barium. at first sip, i was pleasantly surprised by the taste- it had improved from the fake raspberry flavor i had at fairfax radiology last year. it tasted like a watered down cake mixture- almost like those ones you whipped together with easy bake oven as little girl (i loved those!) well that quickly wore off. i was served a cup every 15 minutes, and by the 3rd, the thought of cake mixture made me want to vomit. then, i was escorted to yet another room, this time to have my IV put in (the contrast solution) by another nurse.


pause by the way, she used a local anesthetic before she inserted the IV- i barely felt anything at all! i asked her what trick she used for such an easy insertion, and she told me about the Novocaine. i'm surprised that more doctors/nurses do not use such a process, however i'm sure it "affects the budget" and therefore dismissed. resume


back to my marathon CT process. finally, the last cocktail was served and i was escorted by yet another nurse to the scan room. i was pleasantly surprised to meet the radiologist- he was damn good-looking, and obviously smart- hence his profession (knowing this town, i'm sure engaged or has some live-in skank, err, i mean girlfriend.) finally the damn machine whirred to life and the happy little green face smiled as it instructed me to breathe in and out. the CT scan itself took MAYBE 10 minutes. a different nurse escorted me back to the waiting room (i swear the nurse population there must be off the charts) and pleasantly explained to me that the barium has a laxative in it, so i would be feeling the repercussions shortly. ha. she doesn't know my screwed up body, but i gave her an understanding smile anyway. (the laxative never kicked in. it was probably blocked by Stealth.)

if you're wondering the reason for the above explained medical test, then you clearly haven't been paying attention. jk. i had pleaded (again) with my internist that the situation was getting out of control and explained (again) all the symptoms the best i could. unfortunately, due to the amount of medications i am on, having ms, and the high powered Tysabri medication, the doctors' have been hesitant to single this out. i don't blame them- there's just too many options, and until either my meds are reduced or i have more experience with the Tysabri infusions, it's almost a waste of time to investigate. in other words, continue to suck it up meg!

but this time, i had an in. she was concerned with an area of tenderness on my lower left abdomen (and by tenderness, i mean PAIN) and scheduled an x-ray, which showed some type of mass. the CT scan would give them a much clearer picture of what *might* be going on. between last friday and today, i was told to only eat "bland foods" which was somewhat hilarious, considering i already don't eat gluten (how much more bland can you get?!) and have even cut down further since anything i eat gives immediate cramps or further consequences that you might imagine from my writings above. i'm not banking on an "ah-hah!" moment from this experiment, but i'm thankful she was concerned enough to try.


for those of you that are still with me, i applaud you for listening patiently as i frankly outlined bladder and bowel issues and how they interact with the central nervous system. we're practically family now! but to clarify, MS is just one of the reasons these issues can happen to people- over 2 million americans are dealing with this shit (again, get it?! sorry, i couldn't resist)- it affects their entire lives...social, physical, and even work activities. so next time you see your coworker, let him/her know that you are open to discussing their incontinence problems around the water cooler. make that open atmosphere happen people! ;)