6.28.2008
newest addition to the Morgensen clan!
6.24.2008
"May I exchange this rusty old armor for a pair of Spanx, please?"
“wow, your hair looks fantastic today- did you do something different with it?” i received this (flattering) compliment 3 times today by my doctor, nurse, and friend at the bank. i was at a loss for words at the time, so blurted out the truth, which is “oh, thanks! i washed it!” so I’m thinking i should do that more often, if that’s the type of effect it’s having on people. hah!! oh, fun times…
today was my monthly checkup with Dr. INT1, which was a bit appropriate considering i feel like the tin man without any grease for his joints. recently, i have been able to ditch the cane on certain occasions (as long as it’s for a short period of time, or length of walking), so having to go back to using it consistently is a bit of a disappointment. i don’t know if it’s all the traveling, or just the usual ebb/flow of the disease, but moving just an inch takes so much effort. my pace has slowed doooooooowwwwwn to a crawl, with a bit of a hobble-shuffle move, trying not to bend my knees or ankles as much as i can get away with. i feel like i am encased in armor (very rusty armor, think 17th century), but instead of the armor creaking with strain and pain, that’s my actual joints. lovely, isn’t it?
i tend to develop favoritism for various nurses from time to time- i guess you could call it an RN crush of sorts. hah! to be honest, i know most of the nurses in the Internal Medicine and Neurology departments, and we’ve gotten to know each other well over the past year. (i should get one of those “Buy 10 Coffees, Get 1 Free” type memberships for the doctors’ offices!) But sue is one of my favorites, and today she scored major points. first, she took pity on me and my pain expression and slow hobble as we walked through the corridors, and instead of leading me to the VERY LAST ROOM (that always happens to me at doctors’ offices and movie theatres- odd combination i know) she aborted that intended mission and put me in one of the front exam rooms so i didn’t have to walk that far. then, she made the mistake of asking how i was feeling and my stress level, and consequently, got an earful in the latter category. to top it all off, she saw me curl up on the exam table (my trademark pose when i’m not feeling well- fetal position with my hands clasped together supporting my head) and came back to cover me up with a blanket. i know, she’s awesome.
a pre-med intern was working w/ Dr. INT1 today, and i gave that lucky young pup permission for him to sit in on my appointment. when he entered the room and was introduced, she told me she had given him a 2 minute synopsis of my condition, which just made me laugh out loud. that’s quite hilarious (not to mention impressive), putting 4 years, and 280 pages of medical records and testing into 2 minutes- quite the talent she must have!
so when Dr. INT1 came into the room (right as i was drifting off into a short daydream- damn that timing!) her first remark was “oh dear, I was worried this would happen.” what she was referring to is the recent (and upcoming) traveling i’ve been doing, but when i told her i actually just got back from the short trip- i hadn’t gone on the long trip yet- a look of concern flashed across her face. it was a brief look, but i saw it. (those docs, they try not to worry you!) she’s happy that i’m getting out and getting a change of environment, but she knows how much stress that puts on my weakened body and well, puts me in a state like i am now.
but she’s not the only person that has voiced their concern or objection to the upcoming trip to CA (hodges, I am talking about you!)- my mom keeps fretting, saying “oh, how how HOW are you going to do this? if i were you i would never have said i’d go in the FIRST place!” yes mother(s), i know, i know. and trust me, i’m not exempt from the concern either, i just try to hide it from everyone else that's already worrying. i look at it as an unchangeable fact- i’m going, and i’ll just have to deal with it, one way or the other. when I’m traveling, i try to be very sensitive to putting my physical restrictions on the people i’m with, so i tend to retreat into myself when i’m not feeling well, instead of complaining. (go lay down, go into another room, rest on the sofa, take a nap, etc.) first of all, i think those kinds of people are flat out annoying as hell, so i don’t ever want to be grouped with them! but secondly, this is something that isn’t going to go away! ever! i have about 60 more years (hopefully!) to learn how to live with this, and i have to start sometime. besides, i already feel like i miss out on so much… i don’t want to add yet another line to that list.
during my exam, my fingers were clutched around the sides of my cheeks, trying to release the tension that recent Trigeminal Neuralgia and Neuropathy flares have done to increase my TMJ. it’s been so painful the past few days (and while i was in NC- i would go to sleep at night with frozen vegetables wrapped in a washcloth!) that i’ve been desperate to seek some relief. we decided to start back the Tegretol to address the neuropathy, but i told her i would only take the medication if i was absolutely unable to stand it in CA (right now i’m just trying to push through it, as even additional muscle relaxers, my existing Methadone schedule, and even additional Percocet isn’t doing much in my favor). i doubt that Tegretol is going to be the magic cure, but i suppose you never know…
(we did discuss increasing my Methadone dosage, but quite honestly, i don’t think i can go through that again, especially since i’ll be out of town for the next couple weeks. the first adjustment was difficult enough- i slept through most of may!) i am taking my dear laptop with my on my upcoming trip(s) so watch out everyone, i'll be blogging from the road! (errr, make that the overpriced, baggage-charging, always late, no longer friendly skies...)
remember, you can view these postings directly on kitkat chat's blog http://meggerv2.blogspot.com/
6.11.2008
human pincushion
resistance first comes in a stinging sensation very similar to a bee sting or a sharp splinter. after a few minutes, sharp, pin pricks of pain break out around the area, almost like red ants are being held captive underneath my skin. a bright pink rash spreads out to cover a 1-2" diameter of the swollen injection location that is surprisingly itchy. once those protesters tire, small, sore lumps of flesh take shape- it feels like there is a pebble or rock underneath the skin. eventually, a longer lasting veteran appears to see it through- a lavender & teal colored bruise spanning out greedily against a backdrop of veins and pale (almost glow in the dark!) skin.
about the only thing i look forward to in this nightly ritual (other than it just being over) is the capping of the needle and watching the quantity of syringes in my fancy, state-of-the-art, sharps container multiply in number. (ok, so technically it's a recycled, plastic lysol wipes jar, but "sharps container" makes me sound quite professional.) not to mention the sheer quantity of needles makes me look totally hard core, which is a nice bonus. then again, unless you were snooping around my bathroom, you would never come across the syringe stash in the first place- and if you were snooping around my bathroom, that would just be... weird. not to mention rude.
so tonight i stood in front of the mirror, analyzing the number of battle wounds i've accumulated just this week alone... the number of out-of-sight areas are decreasing, which isn't exactly conducive to summer wardrobe attire. what i'm referring to are special "hiding places"- areas where the skin is always covered up, no matter how little clothing i happen to be wearing- i usually use a bikini or yoga attire as a measuring stick. (oooh, speaking of, that's another pet peeve of mine- yoga outfits. why are they all so tight? and skimpy? when my body is contorting in all directions the last thing i want is my flab hanging and poking out of the strappy areas in my yogi getup! ok meg, focus, you are getting off topic.)
i tend to favor my left back hip area, as this area has been numb for over a year (is that considered cheating?) unfortunately, it's becoming savvy to my sly ploy, and retaliating by developing nasty lumpy nodules that are lasting a good week or two in existence. unsatisfied with the lack of potential injection sites, and getting more stressed out by the minute (if i stall too long in giving myself the shot, the beginnings of a panic/anxiety episode can start to appear), i went with the standby, the back left thigh, regardless of its ability to peacefully tolerate recent treatments. making the preemptive grimace that involves cirque du soleil contortions of my facial muscles, i jammed the needle into the soft flesh, gritted my teeth and counted to ten. after i hit 10, i let out a sigh of relief and extract the syringe from my poor, overused thigh. great, i had hit a vein- blood was pouring out pretty steadily. i guess this wasn't going to go over well.
maybe i should open up my own psychic hotline b/c sure enough, only a few moments later the troops were rallied and a protest was underway. damn it hurt... and itched... and burned... damn, damn, damn these injections. come on john and sally york, put your fancy biomedical engineering research skills to use and create a pill i can swallow to get this medicine!!! van, marylee, emma- you're doctors, work on this in your spare time! (hah, spare time, like medical students know what that word is.) anyway, thanks for joining me for tonight's episode of "meg gives herself a shot".
until next time,
m3, your favorite medical malady bloggette
http://meggerv2.blogspot.com/
6.01.2008
desperate times call for desperate measures?
the onslaught of flashbacks have been chasing me for the past few weeks ever since i began experimenting with NAET treatments- a specialized allergy elimination technique that was developed for the diagnosis and treatment of allergies and allergy-related health disorders. this extremely gentle, non-invasive technique was developed by a physician in california, dr. nambudripad (dr. devi, for all intensive purposes), who has been trained and certified in many, many health professions (she has a ridiculously long list of acronyms beside her name to prove it) including registered nurse, chiropractor, kinesiologist, acupuncturist, and md. but as i go through these treatments, prof. evan's voice echoes softly behind me... would this classify as an "outlandish method" in my desperate quest for relief??? NAET is a blend of testing and treatment procedures from acupuncture/acupressure, allopathy, chiropractic, nutritional, and kinesiological disciplines. at the core, it is based on oriental medicine's principles, which is based on the ideal, yin-yang state of the perfect balance of energies. any imbalance in that state will cause an energy difference which in turn, is an allergy.
to supplement my NAET treatment, i am reading "say goodbye to illness", one of many books written by dr. devi. the book has proven to be an invaluable resource and also incredibly interesting- i would encourage any of you who might be interested in this treatment to find a copy online. in the preface, she explains,"when you are chemically and environmentally allergic to almost everything around you, it usually takes 2-3 years of continuous treatments w/ NAET before you can begin to come out of the bubble and into the real world..." however, this realization doesn't damper my belief in this technique, nor does it chip away at my faith that relief will come at its own time and own way. the main reason that dr. devi was led to research and pursue a career in this field came from a childhood of persistent and debilitating food allergies. let the acronyms begin
so, here's how this will work. if you would like specific information on any of the physicians mentioned in my blog, simply email me and i will provide you with any contact info you are looking for, or at least point you in the right direction.
hospitals: will be referred to by the first letters of each word in their full name (ie geisinger, which i talk about frequently, would be referred to as "GHS" for geisinger health systems).
doctors: will be referred to as "DR.", followed by an abbreviation of their department (ie "NEURO" for neurology). if i see more than one doctor in this unit, i will simply number them in sequential order (ie "DR. NEURO1", "DR. NEURO2" and so on...)
nurses: will be referred to as "RN" followed by an abbreviation of their department (ie "IM" for internal medicine). this would be followed by their first name (ie "RN IM Jackie").
specialists: if i am explaining a new treatment or therapy, i will probably refer to them by their name, with a link to their web page if available. i think this is important to help further explain the treatment and to make sure i am giving proper credit to their techniques or methods. ideally, i would love to help other people find relief if these treatments help me.
http://meggerv2.blogspot.com/
5.20.2008
(if you are not in the know, here is the DL- the "J-Crew" refers to friends of jana- as in, her "crew". yes we are street thugs here in central PA, just roll with it.)
to be completely honest, my first reaction was to...
1) roll my eyes,
2) growl, and
3) delete.
incredibly mature, i know, but i'm still embarrassed and annoyed by the fact i can't go hiking or bowling- even tho i never really liked either before my legs stopped working. (reminds me of how nicely this worked out to outfit me w/ a rock solid excuse to get out of those bug filled camping trips.) but after i trashed his invitation, there was another message in my inbox. this time, it was to me only. so instead of paraphrasing, i'm just going to paste his message here:
from: Elias Maurer to: Meg
date: Tue, May 20, 2008 at 8:24 AM
subject: Hey
8:24 AM (14 hours ago) Reply
Hey Meg, I hope this week is going alittle better for you. I sent out an e-mail about Ricketts Glenn for this Sat. I know the hike thing would be out for you. However if you had a book you were reading of felt like taking a nap there are alot of shade trees in the lower parking lot. It usually takes like 3 hours to hike around the trail if I remember correctly. My memory goes with age just like my hair. I highly recommend Grotto's pizza afterwards. I like getting it when I get to the delaware coast. So just let me know if you would be interested or are feeling up to it. Take Care Elias
so yes, elias, the good citizenship of the blog posting goes out to you, my good friend. (don't let it go to your head, although i'm sure it gives you a couple free passes for least 2 or 3 shitty things you might do over the next few days.)
when i opened up his 2nd email, my head still shaking and my eyes 1/4 the way into the characteristic roll... i realized that he had not only called out the huge pink elephant in the room, but even came up with alternatives so that i could still be included!! i was speechless. my mouth kinda dropped open a bit and i admit... i had a few tears in my eyes. (hey, i cry at american idol! give me a break!) i thought, just a few moments ago, here i was writing off the invite w/out a second thought, lumping it in with yet another activity i couldn't take part in b/c of my energy (or lack thereof), weakness, and improperly working legs. but even tho i had written off the offer, i was dwelling on this inability to do exactly what everyone else could do. since when did i ever want to do what everyone else did?? i certainly didn't think about what i COULD do instead to still join in the fun- and yet he did. and more than that, he took the time to let me know it.
so see? a simple simple simple thing. a 1 minute email- 90 seconds tops. and it made my day. (and my blog- another achievement for you elias!) this is a classic example of what oprah's big give was lacking- THIS is a true random act of kindness. not raising oodles and oodles of cash and calling it a day. (take note producers since i'm sure you read my blog daily!)
now that we have all learned what a random act of kindness is, go forth & conquer. compliment the toll booth lady for her bedazzled jean jacket! wink at that cute little cub scout raising money outside of walmart for his camping trip (well, wait, be careful with that it could be wrongly interpreted from an overzealous protective mother.) tell the guy that repays you for your monthly expense account how much you look forward to those checks... and keep me posted on the results.
oh! wait! i just thought of another hometown act of kindness. rewind to a week ago saturday. i had hit my height of cabin fever, and feeling particularly sorry for myself that i had such successful friends that they were too busy being fabulous to ever call me. (was that over dramatic?) i've driven about a total of.... 4 times in 2008, so i figured why not take a drive, clear my head, and pick up some birthday cards at walmart. i hadn't been outside in days, since i've slept most of april/may away in zombie land, so the whole trip was a little bit of an out of body experience. anyway, i was standing in the cards, staring aimlessly at the endless rows of fathers day greetings, and betsy came up behind me. she gave me a hug and asked how i was feeling, and you know what i did? basically burst into tears about how i was so tired and missed my friends and just really... insert sob muffled by gulp here... really having a rough time. (i was too busy being a wack job to be properly embarrassed by my meltdown.) you poor girl- how did you ever compose yourself to respond to me? after chatting a few minutes, we said goodbye, and she gave me another hug/pat on the back. that little gesture meant so much. i had been feeling so alone in this town, both literally and figuratively speaking, and her warm and genuine greeting really grounded me.
so technically betsy also qualifies for the good citizenship award- hope you don't mind sharing, elias!
5.12.2008
complicated
the past week or two have been spent sleeping... i do rotate tho, so no worry for bed sores. jk, that's kinda gross. i sleep on the leather couch in the living room, i sleep on the loveseat, i sleep in the bed, and i sleep on the sofa in the piano room. oh! and in the car, can't forget that one- those zzzz's are usually on the way to geisinger, which was the case on friday. i had a consult at the pain intervention clinic in the new geisinger pavilion off woodbine, and to be honest, i had been dreading it. due to the pain factor of my MS, it throws many doctors for a loop. they're not sure how to treat you, who to refer you to, what diagnosis your pain is attributed to... i mean, i've been to neurology, rhuemotology, internal medicine, pain clinics. one of the most difficult things for me to deal with is the huge gap between my expectations and what the doctors think my expectations are. i'm not a dumb girl, and i've had plenty of experience over the past few years. i do realize i have a disease that which there is no cure. i realize that, i accept that, i do not have any false expectations. but for some reason, i have to battle this with each new consult i go through, or each new doctor that is added to the team. they seem to preface their opinions with "we don't have a magic pill that cures you" or "we can't make everything better".
yes, yes, yes, i realize that, can we move on to what you CAN help? maybe i should tattoo that on my forehead. or INSIDE my brain- then they'll see it when they review my MRIs. you wouldn't think getting some relief would be such an uphill battle would you? i know, i know, i have complained of this before. but it really is a sense of utter defeat for a doctor to look you in the eyes and say "sorry but i just don't think there is anything we can do for you." i don't accept that. how can i accept that? it's the year 2008, we've cloned animals! can't you relieve some of my pain?
i had done some research lately, mostly on spinal chord implants, a procedure that my interest was renewed in when i heard of a local woman with MS whose main symptom is severe, continual leg pain, who had recently received one. i talked this over w/ dr. IM1, who considered it a possible option, although a remote one for her. (there seems to be many "remote" or "last resort" options, but none that precede them. odd.) regardless, i would have to be cleared by the pain clinic doctors and eventually the surgical team, so she put in a reference for a consult at the intervention clinic down the street.
but friday proved no different from previous consults, esp. where pain was concerned- there was a few hours of such frustration. the consult took almost 3 hours (no lie), and i was seen by a nurse, a PA, and a couple doctors. i was so exhausted, so drained, so tired. for most of the consult, i was curled up on the exam table (a nurse had gotten me one of those fabulously heated blankets- the ones that they keep in the reverse fridge? i want one of those btw) mumbling half the answers and hoping mom would fill in the rest. there were a few bad omens during the initial exam. one was when the pa said, innocently, "so, did your physician refer you to dr. pain1 specifically?" a red flag went up. when i told him no, i also asked why. with some hesitation in his voice i was told "well dr. pain1 is against spinal chord implants, and i see that this is why you're here, to be considered a candidate." i sighed. deeply. "well, he can always refer you to another doctor." awesome, i can't wait to go through another 3 hours of consult, why am i even here???
when the doctor finally entered the room, i felt like i was watching a really bad foreign film. for one thing, the doctor had a heavy heavy accent, which made it very difficult to make out the words- and the speed of his speech, oh boy. it would make your head spin. the PA seems to pick up on this "issue" and he was running an odd, awkward translator role for my mom and i, while also briefing the doctor on my previous medical history. but here's what we wound up with, yet again. "unfortunately, your pain issue is quite complicated, and because it is mostly from your MS, it makes it a very difficult condition to treat." yes, i have heard this one before. continue. "spinal chord implants are not an option. they do not work, and you are too young." well that part was short and sweet, and def expected. "there is not a magic drug to fix your pain, we cannot cure every medical problem, and every situation is different, and this is something you did not ask for, but you have been dealt with, and it's not fair, but you just have to take the drugs and be a zombie most of the time, we have no other option for you." wow, right? by this point, i had hidden behind my sunglasses and was twisting my poor hands into some form of japanese origami. which is also code for "i'm furious/hurt and trying to control my emotions." i'm sure some heavy, deep, Lamaze-type breathing was used at some point. mom even tried to speak up, with "i'm sorry, she knows that there isn't a cure, that's not what she's asking for, she just wants some relief." but even with restating the obvious, he continued to go on and on about how there aren't magic cures or a pill that fixes everything......... oh, i wanted to bash my head in. unfortunately for me that wouldn't have given me any relief, since my migraine was pounding relentlessly already.
the ONLY recommendation he could give me was to switch up my pain meds (swap out the fentanyl for methadone- don't even start about anna nicole smith, i already voiced my hesitation- and adding back in baclofen, which helps with muscle spasms which in theory would reduce your pain if the spasms were reduced) and see one of the clinic's pain psychologists. i couldn't keep my mouth shut on that one. i'm sorry, but i already see a therapist who i actually like (and i have trust issues with therapists, so don't even go there) not to mention i don't think imagining my pain as a bird and visualizing it flying away on wings of happiness is going to be something i can tolerate right now. as there is stabbing pain making its way up and down my legs and radiating with a burning torch into my back. (i left that last part out.)
i just wanted to go home... go to bed... forget this day. i couldn't even THINK about how i was going to have to see yet another physician since this one clearly had me in a body bag and halfway in the ground already. one of the reasons i always have someone else at the appointments with me (usually this falls to mom, as much as it thrills her) is because maybe in my discomfort and impatience, perhaps the way i view things could be... a little different from the reality. all that thinking rationally bullshit. but mom came away with the same final impressions this time- there was nothing they could do for me. hearing a doctor say that, no matter how many times you might have heard it before, is always daunting. it's daunting, it's depressing, it's hurtful. here i have worked so hard- i have made sacrifices, i have been willing to try different treatments, i have made my appointments, i have changed my entire lifestyle- and yet i'm still in this position. where do you turn when someone tells you you're hopeless? i mean, really, am i supposed to live a life of sleeping constantly (and watching the hills)? that's not much of a life. luckily i'm not a depressive maniac and don't see myself on my deathbed just yet.
mom has been very upset about how much i have been sleeping, and i have to admit, it's a bit excessive. i've done a complete 180 from any insomnia periods i've lamented about in the past. i sleep through the night, awake around 8, return to sleep by 10, wake up in the afternoon, fall back asleep through dinner, and wake up just in time to spend a half hour w/ dad before he retires to bed. then the whole thing starts all over again. i can sometimes force myself up to a previously scheduled doctor appointment, but that's about the only part of my schedule i keep to. i've canceled outings with friends, i have bailed on plans at the last minute, i have avoided phone calls and not responded to emails. i honestly don't even have the ability to think past this moment- all i can tell you is that i'm so tired. i'm utterly exhausted, all the time. and when i'm not sleeping, i'm in massive amounts of pain. so you tell me which you would enjoy/tolerate more in this scenario?
there have been a few perks over the last couple weeks thought. a major one was the surprise i received in the mail from tess stephenson, my high school friend lauren's mother who still lives in high point (not lauren, she's in CO.) i received a box in the mail from their household, and i was surprised and curious as to what it held inside. and what a perfect, and most needed gift. inside were 2 hand made knitted afghans, soft and cuddly and just what the doctor ordered. the blue/green one hasn't left me side in about a week (it probably needs a shower just as much as i do!) the throws were blessed by the priests in their church, and the women who knitted them prayed for me during their making. i was so touched by this thought, and it really has given me comfort, especially after a trying day such as friday.
this one you may not see as a perk, but maybe it gives you a glimpse into how pathetic my recent days have been. i was called back in for a follow-up re: my nail infection. ok, it wasn't really a nail infection. this is embarrassing but equally hilarious so i will share it. somehow, i got a yeast infection in my fingernail bed! hahahahah! hilarious right? and apparently it was the talk for the derm department. now, most of you are thinking "i have never heard of that!" and apparently neither has anyone else. why does this not surprise me- it's just another example of how i get the weirdest medical conditions out there. (or, not out there.) anyway, the doctor was incredibly good looking. actually, he looked quite similar to a brief love interest i had the summer after graduation (hmm, i think that was it? well, yes, i think that was it. gee my memory is fuzzy.) so to get called in for a followup was just, well, the highlight of my week. good looking AND smart- now that's a combination i can't complain about!! my mom tried to point out that he probably called me in for a genuine followup to the nail infection, but then she left me have my deluded fantasy as i fell asleep on the sofa.
even though i have made a habit of not taking calls over the past week or so, a few of you haven't given up. a persistence award definitely goes out to jana. today she was in the neighborhood visiting a potential dog sitting family, and stopped by afterwards to see if i was still alive. i have to admit, i have been so horrible about the phone calls. it's embarrassing b/c that's not my style at all. but i've just been a solid wreck, and barely functioning. i'm not even emailing like a champ, which is usually part of my daily agenda. after complimenting my fabulous bed head, she settled onto the couch opposite me, and was probably tempted to sleep away the rainy day like i planned to do. but, i managed to stay awake for the entire half hour visit- an accomplishment since i fall asleep on my poor mom and dad consistently. (mom will ask me if i want some coffee- i'll nod enthusiastically YES and 10 minutes later i'm snoring again under my comforter!)
i also had a visitor on sunday afternoon- miss lindsay was in bloomsburg visiting her mother for mother's day, and stopped here on her way back to dc. she always comes with some kind of gift or surprise, and i wasn't to be disappointed this time! she brought a bag full of chick reads (same thing as chick flicks but with the obvious change in media) which i cannot wait to dive into. unfortunately i can only read 1-3 pages a time due to my vertigo, but it prevents me from flying through novels as i tend to do if i am excited by them. we had some quality girl chat time, which included an in depth analysis of her current love life by dr. meg- hilarious considering i haven't had a date in months. oh well, at least i can still offer the wise, older woman point of view.
but for the most part, i have been sleeping, i won't argue that fact. i had to force myself to write this tonight, which is also uncharacteristic of me. i look forward to blogging about my days, and to not have the enthusiasm or energy to do so was depressing. it's hard not to have days where you wonder "why me?" or are obsessed with thoughts on everything and everyone and everywhere you are missing. i also feel incredibly guilty for letting my physical limitations restrict me so much. i feel like i have "given in" to their restraints, and i feel that i have let down so many people. i keep apologizing to my parents, esp. my mom, for sleeping so much. every time i wake up, the first words out of my moth are "oh i'm so sorry, i'm so sorry." as much as they tell me they're not mad at me, they're not upset with me, they just hate to see me go through this and wish there was something they can do- as much as they assure me of that, it doesn't make me feel less guilty. b/c i feel responsible for how much i "allow" this to happen. i guess you don't win all the time.
i hope my attitude picks up over the next week, and that this rough period lifts long enough for me to get my independence and determination back to DEMAND some relief or at least other options from the medical team. my internist called me this afternoon and in a teary, shaky voice i tried to share with her what has happened over the past few days (week). she was asking me if the change in medicine was okay with me, and i said simply yes, no, i don't know, whatever you think. she remarked that i didn't sound as "feisty" as i normally do, which made me tear up even more. she's right, i have lost that fire. however, i'm confident it's only temporary, b/c you can't keep a good girl down forever. right team? sweet dreams.
remember, you can view these postings directly on kitkat chat's blog
http://meggerv2.blogspot.com/

