"May I exchange this rusty old armor for a pair of Spanx, please?"

“wow, your hair looks fantastic today- did you do something different with it?” i received this (flattering) compliment 3 times today by my doctor, nurse, and friend at the bank. i was at a loss for words at the time, so blurted out the truth, which is “oh, thanks! i washed it!” so I’m thinking i should do that more often, if that’s the type of effect it’s having on people. hah!! oh, fun times…

today was my monthly checkup with Dr. INT1, which was a bit appropriate considering i feel like the tin man without any grease for his joints. recently, i have been able to ditch the cane on certain occasions (as long as it’s for a short period of time, or length of walking), so having to go back to using it consistently is a bit of a disappointment. i don’t know if it’s all the traveling, or just the usual ebb/flow of the disease, but moving just an inch takes so much effort. my pace has slowed doooooooowwwwwn to a crawl, with a bit of a hobble-shuffle move, trying not to bend my knees or ankles as much as i can get away with. i feel like i am encased in armor (very rusty armor, think 17th century), but instead of the armor creaking with strain and pain, that’s my actual joints. lovely, isn’t it?

i tend to develop favoritism for various nurses from time to time- i guess you could call it an RN crush of sorts. hah! to be honest, i know most of the nurses in the Internal Medicine and Neurology departments, and we’ve gotten to know each other well over the past year. (i should get one of those “Buy 10 Coffees, Get 1 Free” type memberships for the doctors’ offices!) But sue is one of my favorites, and today she scored major points. first, she took pity on me and my pain expression and slow hobble as we walked through the corridors, and instead of leading me to the VERY LAST ROOM (that always happens to me at doctors’ offices and movie theatres- odd combination i know) she aborted that intended mission and put me in one of the front exam rooms so i didn’t have to walk that far. then, she made the mistake of asking how i was feeling and my stress level, and consequently, got an earful in the latter category. to top it all off, she saw me curl up on the exam table (my trademark pose when i’m not feeling well- fetal position with my hands clasped together supporting my head) and came back to cover me up with a blanket. i know, she’s awesome.

a pre-med intern was working w/ Dr. INT1 today, and i gave that lucky young pup permission for him to sit in on my appointment. when he entered the room and was introduced, she told me she had given him a 2 minute synopsis of my condition, which just made me laugh out loud. that’s quite hilarious (not to mention impressive), putting 4 years, and 280 pages of medical records and testing into 2 minutes- quite the talent she must have!

so when Dr. INT1 came into the room (right as i was drifting off into a short daydream- damn that timing!) her first remark was “oh dear, I was worried this would happen.” what she was referring to is the recent (and upcoming) traveling i’ve been doing, but when i told her i actually just got back from the short trip- i hadn’t gone on the long trip yet- a look of concern flashed across her face. it was a brief look, but i saw it. (those docs, they try not to worry you!) she’s happy that i’m getting out and getting a change of environment, but she knows how much stress that puts on my weakened body and well, puts me in a state like i am now.

but she’s not the only person that has voiced their concern or objection to the upcoming trip to CA (hodges, I am talking about you!)- my mom keeps fretting, saying “oh, how how HOW are you going to do this? if i were you i would never have said i’d go in the FIRST place!” yes mother(s), i know, i know. and trust me, i’m not exempt from the concern either, i just try to hide it from everyone else that's already worrying. i look at it as an unchangeable fact- i’m going, and i’ll just have to deal with it, one way or the other. when I’m traveling, i try to be very sensitive to putting my physical restrictions on the people i’m with, so i tend to retreat into myself when i’m not feeling well, instead of complaining. (go lay down, go into another room, rest on the sofa, take a nap, etc.) first of all, i think those kinds of people are flat out annoying as hell, so i don’t ever want to be grouped with them! but secondly, this is something that isn’t going to go away! ever! i have about 60 more years (hopefully!) to learn how to live with this, and i have to start sometime. besides, i already feel like i miss out on so much… i don’t want to add yet another line to that list.

during my exam, my fingers were clutched around the sides of my cheeks, trying to release the tension that recent Trigeminal Neuralgia and Neuropathy flares have done to increase my TMJ. it’s been so painful the past few days (and while i was in NC- i would go to sleep at night with frozen vegetables wrapped in a washcloth!) that i’ve been desperate to seek some relief. we decided to start back the Tegretol to address the neuropathy, but i told her i would only take the medication if i was absolutely unable to stand it in CA (right now i’m just trying to push through it, as even additional muscle relaxers, my existing Methadone schedule, and even additional Percocet isn’t doing much in my favor). i doubt that Tegretol is going to be the magic cure, but i suppose you never know…

(we did discuss increasing my Methadone dosage, but quite honestly, i don’t think i can go through that again, especially since i’ll be out of town for the next couple weeks. the first adjustment was difficult enough- i slept through most of may!) i am taking my dear laptop with my on my upcoming trip(s) so watch out everyone, i'll be blogging from the road! (errr, make that the overpriced, baggage-charging, always late, no longer friendly skies...)

remember, you can view these postings directly on kitkat chat's blog http://meggerv2.blogspot.com/

human pincushion

it's official. i am a walking, breathing, talking, fleshy, giant pincushion- complete w/ mismatched thread colors and sporadic needle points. whoever guessed i must have just given myself the infamous daily shot is simply BRILLIANT!!! in fact, just today i was thinking that my body is holding a protest against the injections... and not exactly passive and peaceful ones, which everyone knows are how the effective protests are run. (i must not have gotten the memo.)

resistance first comes in a stinging sensation very similar to a bee sting or a sharp splinter. after a few minutes, sharp, pin pricks of pain break out around the area, almost like red ants are being held captive underneath my skin. a bright pink rash spreads out to cover a 1-2" diameter of the swollen injection location that is surprisingly itchy. once those protesters tire, small, sore lumps of flesh take shape- it feels like there is a pebble or rock underneath the skin. eventually, a longer lasting veteran appears to see it through- a lavender & teal colored bruise spanning out greedily against a backdrop of veins and pale (almost glow in the dark!) skin.

about the only thing i look forward to in this nightly ritual (other than it just being over) is the capping of the needle and watching the quantity of syringes in my fancy, state-of-the-art, sharps container multiply in number. (ok, so technically it's a recycled, plastic lysol wipes jar, but "sharps container" makes me sound quite professional.) not to mention the sheer quantity of needles makes me look totally hard core, which is a nice bonus. then again, unless you were snooping around my bathroom, you would never come across the syringe stash in the first place- and if you were snooping around my bathroom, that would just be... weird. not to mention rude.

so tonight i stood in front of the mirror, analyzing the number of battle wounds i've accumulated just this week alone... the number of out-of-sight areas are decreasing, which isn't exactly conducive to summer wardrobe attire. what i'm referring to are special "hiding places"- areas where the skin is always covered up, no matter how little clothing i happen to be wearing- i usually use a bikini or yoga attire as a measuring stick. (oooh, speaking of, that's another pet peeve of mine- yoga outfits. why are they all so tight? and skimpy? when my body is contorting in all directions the last thing i want is my flab hanging and poking out of the strappy areas in my yogi getup! ok meg, focus, you are getting off topic.)

i tend to favor my left back hip area, as this area has been numb for over a year (is that considered cheating?) unfortunately, it's becoming savvy to my sly ploy, and retaliating by developing nasty lumpy nodules that are lasting a good week or two in existence. unsatisfied with the lack of potential injection sites, and getting more stressed out by the minute (if i stall too long in giving myself the shot, the beginnings of a panic/anxiety episode can start to appear), i went with the standby, the back left thigh, regardless of its ability to peacefully tolerate recent treatments. making the preemptive grimace that involves cirque du soleil contortions of my facial muscles, i jammed the needle into the soft flesh, gritted my teeth and counted to ten. after i hit 10, i let out a sigh of relief and extract the syringe from my poor, overused thigh. great, i had hit a vein- blood was pouring out pretty steadily. i guess this wasn't going to go over well.

maybe i should open up my own psychic hotline b/c sure enough, only a few moments later the troops were rallied and a protest was underway. damn it hurt... and itched... and burned... damn, damn, damn these injections. come on john and sally york, put your fancy biomedical engineering research skills to use and create a pill i can swallow to get this medicine!!! van, marylee, emma- you're doctors, work on this in your spare time! (hah, spare time, like medical students know what that word is.) anyway, thanks for joining me for tonight's episode of "meg gives herself a shot".

until next time,
m3, your favorite medical malady bloggette

remember, you can view these postings directly on kitkat chat's blog
http://meggerv2.blogspot.com/

desperate times call for desperate measures?

my psych professor's voice keeps repeating in my head like a cassette tape that is jammed in the car stereo system (yes, i still have a tape deck in my car and i think it's retro. so there.) he shared a very relevant insight during one of the spring semester's last lectures in regards to autism (it was the week's topic) and more specifically, treatment options. an entire class was dedicated to the ever changing, mostly unproven, non-recommended, "alternative" attempts that are highly popular among the general public. while there are elements of this tendency that can be credited to lack of proper education and/or health care resources, what mostly drives people to seek such outlandish methods is out of pure desperation and fear.

he was sharing shocking, concerning stats on the increasing number of confirmed diagnoses and that the range of autism itself has actually expanded as well. for example, the waiting list for a child with suspected autism to be seen and treated in the pediatric neurodevelopment unit of GHS's children's hospital is 5 years long. (by the way, don't quote me on that, b/c my notes from that day are completely illegible- it must have been in the midst of a tremor- but i'm pretty sure my memory is accurate. it might even be longer than that, which is horrifying.) five years to get your child seen by an expert. five years for your children to get treatment recommendations. (which is ironic considering that the key to optimal outcomes for autistic children lies in early intensive intervention.) when a parent has a child that is sick- whether it is mentally, physically, spiritually- when their child is in crisis, 5 minutes can be agonizing. 5 years is completely unbearable.

so you can see how someone would be swayed by promises of relief and assistance with special diets (gluten-free, vitamin B, magnesium), hyperbaric oxygen chambers, cell therapies, antibiotic treatments, music therapy, detoxification, anti-fungal treatments, chinese medicine... the list is endless. a simple google search for "autism treatments" will yield just as much non credible information, if not more, than authentic info. so my brain makes the leap from autism to diseases that are difficult to treat in general, and i think, "oh god, is that what i have done? is my perception clouded?!"

the onslaught of flashbacks have been chasing me for the past few weeks ever since i began experimenting with NAET treatments- a specialized allergy elimination technique that was developed for the diagnosis and treatment of allergies and allergy-related health disorders. this extremely gentle, non-invasive technique was developed by a physician in california, dr. nambudripad (dr. devi, for all intensive purposes), who has been trained and certified in many, many health professions (she has a ridiculously long list of acronyms beside her name to prove it) including registered nurse, chiropractor, kinesiologist, acupuncturist, and md. but as i go through these treatments, prof. evan's voice echoes softly behind me... would this classify as an "outlandish method" in my desperate quest for relief???

this all started from a recommendation for acupuncture suggested by my neurologist nurse (RN NEURO Sharon) and internist (DR. IM1), who thought some of my pain issues and frequent migraines could benefit from acupuncture treatments- she has a couple patients who have found this beneficial. so i took the initiative and called debbie smith (again, acronym central: R.O.M., Dipl.O.M. (NCCAOM), M.A.O.M.) at feel good acupunture in danville (near GHS, where i hang out w/ my doctor peeps frequently) to get some more information.

not surprisingly, i couldn't afford the acupuncture treatments (story of my life!) to be honest, it's pretty rare for even decent, private health insurance plans to cover alternative therapies like acupuncture, so i wasn't surprised in the least to hear my shitty, state-funded health insurance would not help defray the costs involved. (note to state of pa: i'm very very very very appreciative to have the shitty health insurance though.) unfortunately, this is something i am having to address more and more as i go beyond the boundaries of western medicine to seek relief. i just pray that my SSD appeal goes through sometime this summer and i can start more frequent reiki treatments, continue w/ NAET, and begin acupuncture.

anyway, during my conversation w/ deb, many of the details of my complicated health history and what i was looking for in a treatment came to the surface, so when i had to decline the acupuncture treatment, deb suggested NAET treatment, which is less expensive and not as time-sensitive as acupuncture (ie- it would not have an effect on the quality or longevity of the treatment if i came every week or every 4 weeks- the only downside is that obviously the whole process would just take longer). i was immediately intrigued b/c of the ever-increasing problems i have developed with various food groups/types over the past years. for example, two years ago, i was able to identify that many of my chronic GI troubles stemmed from a sensitivity to gluten, causing me to radically change my daily diet and entire outlook on food. a year later, we realized i was lactose intolerant (after DR. IM3 had steadily increased my activia yogurt intake to 3 per day to help address my digestive problems- gee, i wonder why i was getting sicker?!)

deb explained that she would not be surprised if i had very high sensitivity to many food and environmental allergens based on my health deficiencies, and that the treatments might be able to offer me some relief i haven't found elsewhere in regards to both GI discomfort and overall pain and sensitivity. you see, a "normal" immune system (ie not mine), when facing contact with an offending agent, will immediately release chemical mediators to counteract the allergic reaction. but in a weak immune system, the body perceives what would normally be chemically mediated harmless substances into evil, dangerous, and threatening intruders, which in turn stimulates a massive production of antibodies to defend the body. from there, it snowballs into major disaster mode- things don't settle down as quietly and seamlessly as they would in a healthy immune system and the beginning of an allergic reaction has begun. (it is the same theory of someone w/ a weakened immune system being more susceptible to picking up a cold, or other infection.)

i'm big on instant "clicks" with people- from friendships to dating to consumer services, including health related services and my spats w/ verizon wireless. and trust me, i've had lots of experience with both of those- esp. verizon. oh just the thought of those greedy, misleading, unreasonable jerks makes me grimace. but i immediately liked and trusted deb- she is incredibly easy to talk to, not forceful or pushy, extremely informative, and really passionate about her job/practice. it comes across in every aspect of her practice. also, she actually studied under dr. devi, and was a patient of the NAET treatment itself before becoming a practitioner. (i have to admit, there was a rush of relief to realize she wasn't one of those hippie, wacko, mystic healers!

this is the part where i'm going to make an attempt explaining dr. devi's theory on allergens and their relationship to health problems, and the technique (NAET) used in to eliminate such toxins in your body. i emphasize the word "attempt" because this is one of those things where the more you read and learn, the more you are able to understand. one thing that really struck me was the difference between the philosophies of western medicine vs. alternative medicines (or chinese medicine, or homeopathic medicine, or acupuncture, etc.) in regards to allergies.

there is no known successful method of treatment for food allergies using western medicine except avoidance (and we all know that is just another word for a pain in the ass, frustration, and deprivation)! when your body is allergic to a food, it is not able to absorb the vital nutrients from the food b/c it is so busy fighting off the offending substance- this leaves your body without the intended nutrients it may need to function properly and efficiently.
NAET is a blend of testing and treatment procedures from acupuncture/acupressure, allopathy, chiropractic, nutritional, and kinesiological disciplines. at the core, it is based on oriental medicine's principles, which is based on the ideal, yin-yang state of the perfect balance of energies. any imbalance in that state will cause an energy difference which in turn, is an allergy.

what NAET seeks to do is desensitize your body to the offending allergen so that it is no longer perceived as a threat, and in its place, imprints a new, neutral memory. from that point on, substance would be able to travel through all the energy channels of the body w/out encountering blockages. if you look into this practice more in depth, you'll start to see that virtually anything and everything in the world could be perceived as an allergen (even emotions and inanimate objects), so it's up to the relationship between the practitioner and the patient to narrow the treatment plan enough so that the most offending allergens are isolated.

this involved a dive into the very deep pool of meg's medical history, and the current challenges i'm dealing with. from this, deb was able to compile a basic group of 16 possible allergens to test and consequently treat me for. not surprisingly, i registered a very high sensitivity for all 16 (and then some- we even tested for some odd ones, including fluorescent lighting, lunar radiation and rage. yep, all came back positive! there goes my dreams of moon walking!) each treatment is done one at a time. so far, i have been treated for, and cleared of, BFF and egg mixture, and was most recently treated for calcium mixture.

another interesting aspect of this treatment is that it requires my mom to be a surrogate (no, she's not giving birth to an allergen free robot). basically, she is the conduit for the allergy treatments, and by skin to skin contact, passes the treatment on to me. i have to say, she has been an extremely good sport, even though i KNOW she was struggling to keep a straight face, especially that first day! the reason she has to act as a surrogate is because of the method used to test and treat the offending allergens.

this method is called muscle response testing (MRT) and here's how it works: while holding a test tube vial containing the suspected allergen in their fist (their fist should be balled around the tube to "protect" the allergen- you want to ensure that nothing from the environment leaks in and interferes with the reading, such as the paper lining the exam table or the rubber handles on the side of the cushions) and is asked to extend their arm. the practitioner gently pushes down on the patient's extended arm while the patient is asked to consciously resist the downward pressure.

if the patient's arm maintains a strong resistance to the pressure, they are not allergic to the specific material. on the other hand, if their arm momentarily goes weak during this downward pressure, they are sensitive to the allergen. you might be wondering, why is meg's mom needed in this scenario if it's for meg's allergy? well, because of my MS-related weakness and pain in my extremities, it is highly likely that i would give false positives for this test. but as long as i maintain skin to skin contact during the testing, it is actually MY sensitivity that is being tested (similarly, if i maintain skin to skin contact during the treatment, i will be the end recipient of the treatment.)

random shout-out: the surrogate does not have to be consistent- any person can serve as the surrogate during a particular treatment session. so if you're lucky enough to visit on a monday afternoon, looks like you're in for a treat! ;) i'm thinking lori will def be game for this... did you notice lori lilac??

now, i know there are lots of you out there that are thinking this MRT system is a total joke. that's ok, i was skeptical too. it DOES seem too simple to be true! but here is what's happening in your body... in those short seconds or minutes, your nervous system is being tested. if it is irritated, even for one second, it will cause a temporary blip in the system which makes your arm go weak. ANY irritation to the nervous system will do this- even an uncomfortable thought or terrifying emotion!

one of the coolest things the MRT system can do (at least in my opinion) is to actually ask your body "yes" or "no" questions regarding your physical health- this will ultimately reveal information about troubled areas in your body that require attention. isn't that awesome?!?!? for example, before we began any treatment, deb asks my body for permission to treat the specific allergen. and she's hard core about it- if the arm is showing weak resistance, she asks a few more times, but if the answer is still "NO", or even a shaky "yes", she doesn't proceed w/ the treatment. this is b/c your body is trying to tell you something, and it's important to listen.

after the MRT testing, the treatment procedure can begin. first, the central nervous system is mildly stimulated using acupressure around the spine (this stimulates the nerves that carry messages to/from the brain to other organs and tissues within the body) while in the presence of each allergen (the patient or surrogate is still holding their fist tight around the vial). this is how/where the brain is reprogrammed with the new, harmless message. for the following 26 hours, it is important to keep the body's energy pathways clear and facilitate the new/reprogrammed allergen through all the appropriate channels.

to help with this process, the patient uses a small, pen-like massager (yes, it looks like a vibrator, i had to put my hand over my mouth to keep from laughing at loud when deb first pulled it out) on 10 acupressure points along these meridians. you hold the massager on each point for 15 seconds, and this is done every 2 hours (or more frequently, if you can remember). during the 26 hours, all contact with the offending allergy is to be avoided. for example when i was treated for egg mixture, i couldn't even TOUCH down comforters, or anything that had chicken feathers, or even a tupperwear container that held chicken from last night's dinner. this part is EXTREMELY important and is the only major hassle w/ this technique. end result is that after 26 hours, the patient should be "cleared" of the allergy to the particular allergen. (if you are particularly sensitive to an allergen, like i am with sugar, it may take more than 1 treatment to "clear" me of this allergy. it just depends on your body.)

after my initial consult, deb was very up front with me. she explained that this was not going to be a magic cure, and that it was probably going to be a very long road. she suspected (and turned out to be right) that my allergies were going to be numerous, and would most likely need to be repeated more than once before they were cleared, and/or i noticed any change or benefit. i was thankful for her candor, and as i have read more about this treatment, and read further into dr. devi's teachings, i am appreciative of her honesty from the very beginning.

to supplement my NAET treatment, i am reading "say goodbye to illness", one of many books written by dr. devi. the book has proven to be an invaluable resource and also incredibly interesting- i would encourage any of you who might be interested in this treatment to find a copy online. in the preface, she explains,"when you are chemically and environmentally allergic to almost everything around you, it usually takes 2-3 years of continuous treatments w/ NAET before you can begin to come out of the bubble and into the real world..." however, this realization doesn't damper my belief in this technique, nor does it chip away at my faith that relief will come at its own time and own way. the main reason that dr. devi was led to research and pursue a career in this field came from a childhood of persistent and debilitating food allergies.

at another section in the book she makes a comment that very deeply resonates with me. "... until then, i was under the impression that everybody was supposed to experience a certain about of body aches and pains all the time, because i had never known otherwise..." during this week's calcium NAET treatment, deb was talking about all these symptoms that are not natural accomplices with eating- cramping, extreme fatigue, naseau, general discomfort, severe bloating. to be honest, i had never given it a second thought. part of me thought everyone felt this way after eating. i can't remember or name a food that has NOT brought on any of these (or all of these) conditions. it's my norm. i didn't really realize that this never crosses the minds of most people!! isn't it is amazing how quickly (or how much) our bodies will adapt to circumstance and situations. i can't remember what it is like to wake up in the morning and be able to put my feet on the floor without wincing in pain, without feeling the sharp, shooting pinpricks and stabbing pain that comes with the movement. i have forgotten what it was like to just... wake up.

"it is your HUMAN RIGHT to: eat whatever you want, live in whatever environment you want to live in, wear whatever clothes or cosmetics you want to wear, live or associate with whomever you want to, and be happy." this is how dr. devi starts chapter 1 in "goodbye to illness". you know, this can be quite easy to forget. i just assumed i was exempt from such ideals. i am constantly being forced to modify my lifestyle, my diet, my way of life... such a statement had not crossed my radar in.... years.

remember, you can view these postings directly on kitkat chat's blog

http://meggerv2.blogspot.com/

let the acronyms begin

you might notice that i have stopped referring to many of my doctors, nurses and various health professionals by name in my postings. this is not b/c they are secret undercover physicians to the stars or double agent spies of some sort, but b/c i feel strongly that my postings should continue to be candid, open, and honest. realistically speaking, honesty can sometimes be tainted by emotions and frustrations, and i don't want to call anyone out inappropriately or direct unwanted attention in their direction.

so, here's how this will work. if you would like specific information on any of the physicians mentioned in my blog, simply email me and i will provide you with any contact info you are looking for, or at least point you in the right direction.

hospitals: will be referred to by the first letters of each word in their full name (ie geisinger, which i talk about frequently, would be referred to as "GHS" for geisinger health systems).

doctors: will be referred to as "DR.", followed by an abbreviation of their department (ie "NEURO" for neurology). if i see more than one doctor in this unit, i will simply number them in sequential order (ie "DR. NEURO1", "DR. NEURO2" and so on...)

nurses: will be referred to as "RN" followed by an abbreviation of their department (ie "IM" for internal medicine). this would be followed by their first name (ie "RN IM Jackie").

specialists: if i am explaining a new treatment or therapy, i will probably refer to them by their name, with a link to their web page if available. i think this is important to help further explain the treatment and to make sure i am giving proper credit to their techniques or methods. ideally, i would love to help other people find relief if these treatments help me.

remember, you can view these postings directly on kitkat chat's blog
http://meggerv2.blogspot.com/

have you ever thought about the small, mindless, involuntary decisions or choices you make throughout one day? i'm talking really simple. like choosing "lunch at the delhi" pink or "get me to the taj on time" pink at the manicurist (although that choice isn't always so simple), or admiring the checkout girl's headband at the market, or opting for aimee mann over vampire weekend on your iPod playlist. i know that for me, personally, i've noticed that i frequently internally compliment things that others say or do, but not necessarily choose to tell them out loud. (hello, i don't want to divert attention away from myself!) BUT something happened to me today that made me rethink that whole mentality. it came in the form of an email, and it was an invitation to go hiking with part of the J-Crew here in town.

(if you are not in the know, here is the DL- the "J-Crew" refers to friends of jana- as in, her "crew". yes we are street thugs here in central PA, just roll with it.)

to be completely honest, my first reaction was to...
1) roll my eyes,
2) growl, and
3) delete.

incredibly mature, i know, but i'm still embarrassed and annoyed by the fact i can't go hiking or bowling- even tho i never really liked either before my legs stopped working. (reminds me of how nicely this worked out to outfit me w/ a rock solid excuse to get out of those bug filled camping trips.) but after i trashed his invitation, there was another message in my inbox. this time, it was to me only. so instead of paraphrasing, i'm just going to paste his message here:


from: Elias Maurer
to: Meg
date: Tue, May 20, 2008 at 8:24 AM
subject: Hey
8:24 AM (14 hours ago) Reply

Hey Meg, I hope this week is going alittle better for you. I sent out an e-mail about Ricketts Glenn for this Sat. I know the hike thing would be out for you. However if you had a book you were reading of felt like taking a nap there are alot of shade trees in the lower parking lot. It usually takes like 3 hours to hike around the trail if I remember correctly. My memory goes with age just like my hair. I highly recommend Grotto's pizza afterwards. I like getting it when I get to the delaware coast. So just let me know if you would be interested or are feeling up to it. Take Care Elias

so yes, elias, the good citizenship of the blog posting goes out to you, my good friend. (don't let it go to your head, although i'm sure it gives you a couple free passes for least 2 or 3 shitty things you might do over the next few days.)

when i opened up his 2nd email, my head still shaking and my eyes 1/4 the way into the characteristic roll... i realized that he had not only called out the huge pink elephant in the room, but even came up with alternatives so that i could still be included!! i was speechless. my mouth kinda dropped open a bit and i admit... i had a few tears in my eyes. (hey, i cry at american idol! give me a break!) i thought, just a few moments ago, here i was writing off the invite w/out a second thought, lumping it in with yet another activity i couldn't take part in b/c of my energy (or lack thereof), weakness, and improperly working legs. but even tho i had written off the offer, i was dwelling on this inability to do exactly what everyone else could do. since when did i ever want to do what everyone else did?? i certainly didn't think about what i COULD do instead to still join in the fun- and yet he did. and more than that, he took the time to let me know it.

so see? a simple simple simple thing. a 1 minute email- 90 seconds tops. and it made my day. (and my blog- another achievement for you elias!) this is a classic example of what oprah's big give was lacking- THIS is a true random act of kindness. not raising oodles and oodles of cash and calling it a day. (take note producers since i'm sure you read my blog daily!)

now that we have all learned what a random act of kindness is, go forth & conquer. compliment the toll booth lady for her bedazzled jean jacket! wink at that cute little cub scout raising money outside of walmart for his camping trip (well, wait, be careful with that it could be wrongly interpreted from an overzealous protective mother.) tell the guy that repays you for your monthly expense account how much you look forward to those checks... and keep me posted on the results.

oh! wait! i just thought of another hometown act of kindness. rewind to a week ago saturday. i had hit my height of cabin fever, and feeling particularly sorry for myself that i had such successful friends that they were too busy being fabulous to ever call me. (was that over dramatic?) i've driven about a total of.... 4 times in 2008, so i figured why not take a drive, clear my head, and pick up some birthday cards at walmart. i hadn't been outside in days, since i've slept most of april/may away in zombie land, so the whole trip was a little bit of an out of body experience.



anyway, i was standing in the cards, staring aimlessly at the endless rows of fathers day greetings, and betsy came up behind me. she gave me a hug and asked how i was feeling, and you know what i did? basically burst into tears about how i was so tired and missed my friends and just really... insert sob muffled by gulp here... really having a rough time. (i was too busy being a wack job to be properly embarrassed by my meltdown.) you poor girl- how did you ever compose yourself to respond to me? after chatting a few minutes, we said goodbye, and she gave me another hug/pat on the back. that little gesture meant so much. i had been feeling so alone in this town, both literally and figuratively speaking, and her warm and genuine greeting really grounded me.

so technically betsy also qualifies for the good citizenship award- hope you don't mind sharing, elias!

remember, you can view these postings directly on kitkat chat's blog

http://meggerv2.blogspot.com/

complicated

the title sums up my recent appointment w/ the pain intervention clinic last friday. this isn't the first time i've been labeled as a "complicated" patient- but i sure wish it was the last. unfortunately this isn't like grey's anatomy, where a "complicated" patient means izzy will race to your defense at every assessment, and meredith will pull double shifts to research some obscure, never been done before procedure that results in derek performing a risky but ultimately successful surgery that cures you forever. sadly, this is not the case in the life of meg. oh the days when "it's complicated" was my response to a relationship status. (and there have been a few of those, haven't there?) i can't believe i am asking for that back. hahahah.

the past week or two have been spent sleeping... i do rotate tho, so no worry for bed sores. jk, that's kinda gross. i sleep on the leather couch in the living room, i sleep on the loveseat, i sleep in the bed, and i sleep on the sofa in the piano room. oh! and in the car, can't forget that one- those zzzz's are usually on the way to geisinger, which was the case on friday. i had a consult at the pain intervention clinic in the new geisinger pavilion off woodbine, and to be honest, i had been dreading it. due to the pain factor of my MS, it throws many doctors for a loop. they're not sure how to treat you, who to refer you to, what diagnosis your pain is attributed to... i mean, i've been to neurology, rhuemotology, internal medicine, pain clinics. one of the most difficult things for me to deal with is the huge gap between my expectations and what the doctors think my expectations are. i'm not a dumb girl, and i've had plenty of experience over the past few years. i do realize i have a disease that which there is no cure. i realize that, i accept that, i do not have any false expectations. but for some reason, i have to battle this with each new consult i go through, or each new doctor that is added to the team. they seem to preface their opinions with "we don't have a magic pill that cures you" or "we can't make everything better".

yes, yes, yes, i realize that, can we move on to what you CAN help? maybe i should tattoo that on my forehead. or INSIDE my brain- then they'll see it when they review my MRIs. you wouldn't think getting some relief would be such an uphill battle would you? i know, i know, i have complained of this before. but it really is a sense of utter defeat for a doctor to look you in the eyes and say "sorry but i just don't think there is anything we can do for you." i don't accept that. how can i accept that? it's the year 2008, we've cloned animals! can't you relieve some of my pain?

i had done some research lately, mostly on spinal chord implants, a procedure that my interest was renewed in when i heard of a local woman with MS whose main symptom is severe, continual leg pain, who had recently received one. i talked this over w/ dr. IM1, who considered it a possible option, although a remote one for her. (there seems to be many "remote" or "last resort" options, but none that precede them. odd.) regardless, i would have to be cleared by the pain clinic doctors and eventually the surgical team, so she put in a reference for a consult at the intervention clinic down the street.

but friday proved no different from previous consults, esp. where pain was concerned- there was a few hours of such frustration. the consult took almost 3 hours (no lie), and i was seen by a nurse, a PA, and a couple doctors. i was so exhausted, so drained, so tired. for most of the consult, i was curled up on the exam table (a nurse had gotten me one of those fabulously heated blankets- the ones that they keep in the reverse fridge? i want one of those btw) mumbling half the answers and hoping mom would fill in the rest. there were a few bad omens during the initial exam. one was when the pa said, innocently, "so, did your physician refer you to dr. pain1 specifically?" a red flag went up. when i told him no, i also asked why. with some hesitation in his voice i was told "well dr. pain1 is against spinal chord implants, and i see that this is why you're here, to be considered a candidate." i sighed. deeply. "well, he can always refer you to another doctor." awesome, i can't wait to go through another 3 hours of consult, why am i even here???

when the doctor finally entered the room, i felt like i was watching a really bad foreign film. for one thing, the doctor had a heavy heavy accent, which made it very difficult to make out the words- and the speed of his speech, oh boy. it would make your head spin. the PA seems to pick up on this "issue" and he was running an odd, awkward translator role for my mom and i, while also briefing the doctor on my previous medical history. but here's what we wound up with, yet again. "unfortunately, your pain issue is quite complicated, and because it is mostly from your MS, it makes it a very difficult condition to treat." yes, i have heard this one before. continue. "spinal chord implants are not an option. they do not work, and you are too young." well that part was short and sweet, and def expected. "there is not a magic drug to fix your pain, we cannot cure every medical problem, and every situation is different, and this is something you did not ask for, but you have been dealt with, and it's not fair, but you just have to take the drugs and be a zombie most of the time, we have no other option for you." wow, right? by this point, i had hidden behind my sunglasses and was twisting my poor hands into some form of japanese origami. which is also code for "i'm furious/hurt and trying to control my emotions." i'm sure some heavy, deep, Lamaze-type breathing was used at some point. mom even tried to speak up, with "i'm sorry, she knows that there isn't a cure, that's not what she's asking for, she just wants some relief." but even with restating the obvious, he continued to go on and on about how there aren't magic cures or a pill that fixes everything......... oh, i wanted to bash my head in. unfortunately for me that wouldn't have given me any relief, since my migraine was pounding relentlessly already.

the ONLY recommendation he could give me was to switch up my pain meds (swap out the fentanyl for methadone- don't even start about anna nicole smith, i already voiced my hesitation- and adding back in baclofen, which helps with muscle spasms which in theory would reduce your pain if the spasms were reduced) and see one of the clinic's pain psychologists. i couldn't keep my mouth shut on that one. i'm sorry, but i already see a therapist who i actually like (and i have trust issues with therapists, so don't even go there) not to mention i don't think imagining my pain as a bird and visualizing it flying away on wings of happiness is going to be something i can tolerate right now. as there is stabbing pain making its way up and down my legs and radiating with a burning torch into my back. (i left that last part out.)

i just wanted to go home... go to bed... forget this day. i couldn't even THINK about how i was going to have to see yet another physician since this one clearly had me in a body bag and halfway in the ground already. one of the reasons i always have someone else at the appointments with me (usually this falls to mom, as much as it thrills her) is because maybe in my discomfort and impatience, perhaps the way i view things could be... a little different from the reality. all that thinking rationally bullshit. but mom came away with the same final impressions this time- there was nothing they could do for me. hearing a doctor say that, no matter how many times you might have heard it before, is always daunting. it's daunting, it's depressing, it's hurtful. here i have worked so hard- i have made sacrifices, i have been willing to try different treatments, i have made my appointments, i have changed my entire lifestyle- and yet i'm still in this position. where do you turn when someone tells you you're hopeless? i mean, really, am i supposed to live a life of sleeping constantly (and watching the hills)? that's not much of a life. luckily i'm not a depressive maniac and don't see myself on my deathbed just yet.

mom has been very upset about how much i have been sleeping, and i have to admit, it's a bit excessive. i've done a complete 180 from any insomnia periods i've lamented about in the past. i sleep through the night, awake around 8, return to sleep by 10, wake up in the afternoon, fall back asleep through dinner, and wake up just in time to spend a half hour w/ dad before he retires to bed. then the whole thing starts all over again. i can sometimes force myself up to a previously scheduled doctor appointment, but that's about the only part of my schedule i keep to. i've canceled outings with friends, i have bailed on plans at the last minute, i have avoided phone calls and not responded to emails. i honestly don't even have the ability to think past this moment- all i can tell you is that i'm so tired. i'm utterly exhausted, all the time. and when i'm not sleeping, i'm in massive amounts of pain. so you tell me which you would enjoy/tolerate more in this scenario?

there have been a few perks over the last couple weeks thought. a major one was the surprise i received in the mail from tess stephenson, my high school friend lauren's mother who still lives in high point (not lauren, she's in CO.) i received a box in the mail from their household, and i was surprised and curious as to what it held inside. and what a perfect, and most needed gift. inside were 2 hand made knitted afghans, soft and cuddly and just what the doctor ordered. the blue/green one hasn't left me side in about a week (it probably needs a shower just as much as i do!) the throws were blessed by the priests in their church, and the women who knitted them prayed for me during their making. i was so touched by this thought, and it really has given me comfort, especially after a trying day such as friday.

this one you may not see as a perk, but maybe it gives you a glimpse into how pathetic my recent days have been. i was called back in for a follow-up re: my nail infection. ok, it wasn't really a nail infection. this is embarrassing but equally hilarious so i will share it. somehow, i got a yeast infection in my fingernail bed! hahahahah! hilarious right? and apparently it was the talk for the derm department. now, most of you are thinking "i have never heard of that!" and apparently neither has anyone else. why does this not surprise me- it's just another example of how i get the weirdest medical conditions out there. (or, not out there.) anyway, the doctor was incredibly good looking. actually, he looked quite similar to a brief love interest i had the summer after graduation (hmm, i think that was it? well, yes, i think that was it. gee my memory is fuzzy.) so to get called in for a followup was just, well, the highlight of my week. good looking AND smart- now that's a combination i can't complain about!! my mom tried to point out that he probably called me in for a genuine followup to the nail infection, but then she left me have my deluded fantasy as i fell asleep on the sofa.

even though i have made a habit of not taking calls over the past week or so, a few of you haven't given up. a persistence award definitely goes out to jana. today she was in the neighborhood visiting a potential dog sitting family, and stopped by afterwards to see if i was still alive. i have to admit, i have been so horrible about the phone calls. it's embarrassing b/c that's not my style at all. but i've just been a solid wreck, and barely functioning. i'm not even emailing like a champ, which is usually part of my daily agenda. after complimenting my fabulous bed head, she settled onto the couch opposite me, and was probably tempted to sleep away the rainy day like i planned to do. but, i managed to stay awake for the entire half hour visit- an accomplishment since i fall asleep on my poor mom and dad consistently. (mom will ask me if i want some coffee- i'll nod enthusiastically YES and 10 minutes later i'm snoring again under my comforter!)

i also had a visitor on sunday afternoon- miss lindsay was in bloomsburg visiting her mother for mother's day, and stopped here on her way back to dc. she always comes with some kind of gift or surprise, and i wasn't to be disappointed this time! she brought a bag full of chick reads (same thing as chick flicks but with the obvious change in media) which i cannot wait to dive into. unfortunately i can only read 1-3 pages a time due to my vertigo, but it prevents me from flying through novels as i tend to do if i am excited by them. we had some quality girl chat time, which included an in depth analysis of her current love life by dr. meg- hilarious considering i haven't had a date in months. oh well, at least i can still offer the wise, older woman point of view.

but for the most part, i have been sleeping, i won't argue that fact. i had to force myself to write this tonight, which is also uncharacteristic of me. i look forward to blogging about my days, and to not have the enthusiasm or energy to do so was depressing. it's hard not to have days where you wonder "why me?" or are obsessed with thoughts on everything and everyone and everywhere you are missing. i also feel incredibly guilty for letting my physical limitations restrict me so much. i feel like i have "given in" to their restraints, and i feel that i have let down so many people. i keep apologizing to my parents, esp. my mom, for sleeping so much. every time i wake up, the first words out of my moth are "oh i'm so sorry, i'm so sorry." as much as they tell me they're not mad at me, they're not upset with me, they just hate to see me go through this and wish there was something they can do- as much as they assure me of that, it doesn't make me feel less guilty. b/c i feel responsible for how much i "allow" this to happen. i guess you don't win all the time.

i hope my attitude picks up over the next week, and that this rough period lifts long enough for me to get my independence and determination back to DEMAND some relief or at least other options from the medical team. my internist called me this afternoon and in a teary, shaky voice i tried to share with her what has happened over the past few days (week). she was asking me if the change in medicine was okay with me, and i said simply yes, no, i don't know, whatever you think. she remarked that i didn't sound as "feisty" as i normally do, which made me tear up even more. she's right, i have lost that fire. however, i'm confident it's only temporary, b/c you can't keep a good girl down forever. right team? sweet dreams.

remember, you can view these postings directly on kitkat chat's blog
http://meggerv2.blogspot.com/

what makes meg smile (or sneer)

guess what this is? wait for it, wait for it.... insert major suspenseful drumroll... my 100th blog posting! wow, who knew i could talk this much (that was sarcasm.) so, this post started out as a slight twist on the ancient "pro vs. con" strategy of decision-making. don't get me wrong, i'm a huge fan of the pvc approach, mainly since it works universally... does it count as cheating if you're in another country? should i quit my job because my boss is the spawn of satan? which pink dress should i wear to church on sunday? would it be a good idea to join the hare krishnas that sing and dance outside the post office? (example: pro- shaved heads can be sexy; con- those buddha like wraps don't match any of my shoes.)

but as i began the exercise, it somehow morphed into a combination of a personal pep talk + major venting session, then strictly a list of things i hate. i've clearly had more than a few things to complain about lately, so i decided it was past time to shift my attitude. i L-O-V-E lists. i love using color-coded highlights, fine point sharpies, the smell of the ink as it blurs slightly on the smooth page, crossing off items with big, fat red markers, ... so, what follows is my "list of things meg has to be happy about". (a few of the things i hate sneaked in there.) in honor of my adoration of color coding, the things that piss me off are in RED (angry, rage filled RED) and things that are totally FIERCE will be in soothing, sunny yellow. this way, if i start to complain again, i can whip this baby out to read over and over til my temper tantrum passes. i heard a variation on the cliche "you can see the light at the end of the tunnel!"- "either that, or a train." that basically sums up the past few weeks. (the train part.)

XX. trash television. my mom always says she can tell if i'm in a lot of pain, or if i'm in a snappy, "leave me the hell alone" mood, based on my taste in tv viewing. the worst days are when i'm watching court tv shows- including, but not limited to- judge judy, divorce court (duh, i totally tivo'ed gary coleman and his red headed child bride to save it for one of my 10/10 pain level days), judge mathis, judge joe brown, and judge maria lopez (she is the master of sass, love her!)

XX. my summer 2008 travel lineup. if you payed attention in elementary school art class, you'll know why this heading is orange. (hint: primary colors anyone?) this is b/c certain elements fit the "shit list" AND the "smiles & sunshine" codes. since i haven't taken a vacation since my france trip in '06 (although trust me, that was definitely a yellow category!) i'm almost positive i'm experiencing travel withdrawal. yes, yes, i admit i have taken mini trips in the past year- joe/hodges sent for me over the holidays, i dropped in on the blaine fam for a few days, and of course there was the annual MLK wkend expedition to boston (aka sanity, wine & girlfriends- the perfect prescription). but here's the problem- i'm broke as a joke. in addition, vacations are incredibly stressful and spin me into anxiety mode which is a) unattractive and b) embarrassing (trust me, traveling with a cane and a wheelchair isn't as easy as it looks- and apparently airport screeners are convinced you have stashed a bomb in both.) but this year, this season of sweltering summer 08 brings a fix to this vacation jonesing.

mid june, joe is flying me to NC where we'll spend a week hitting up their favorite restaurants, watching some flicks, having our trademark HOURS of conversation, teaching joe some new element of technology (last trip it was how to upload photos from your digital camera on to your computer), getting private gourmet cooking lessons from chef hodges, and hopefully enticing elle or patina to drive down to GSO for a day or so. (i have the feeling that jack, the main man in my life, an elder, suave, experienced gentleman even has my bed all set up for the visit.)

end of june we are headed to california to see my older cuz ben get hitched at a vineyard in los gatos. this is dad's side of the family, who all live on the west coast (or nearby) and we do not get to visit with often, so i'm looking forward to reconnecting with everyone. not to mention when dad gets around his brothers- all their craziness emerges into utter insanity. it's hil-arrrrrr-ious.

but then there is the RED category of my summer travel lineup. my intentions were to give my cousin a gift she would always remember, a recognition of her graduating from high school. instead, i stumbled over a family history whose wounds haven't quite healed (or matured?) enough to make this happen. stupidly, i started a new generation of this family's silent civil war. i realize now that this... naiveté, this sense, this intense desire, to bring my family closer together. perhaps it's mere selfishness, an extension of how i don't want to end up alone. or maybe my experience with our family has driven me to want to create my own family, since i just need ot give up on ours. but i'd like to think i'm doing what my grandmother would have wanted, and the way i most recently chose to do that was how everyone starts off when they are pondering a gift for another... "what would i want if i was in her shoes?"

however, when you have to force yourself and your good intentions onto someone, the offer becomes tainted. instead of giving the red flag its proper due, i persisted, and i've wound up yet again with hurt feelings and a sense of loss. it saddens me. but, i just have to pick myself up, dust myself off and keep going. as we all know, dwelling just makes things worse. my preacher gave me a good piece of advice last week when he stopped by to discuss my upcoming semester of classes... "i am doing the best i can with the situation i have been given." most of us have a tendency to blame ourselves for things that are beyond our control, and this affirmation is a way of coping when this occurs.

XX. crystal lite's new flava flave... tangerine strawberry. utterly fabulous, and hides the gritty powder of glycolax cocktails. oh and did i mention lip smackin' delicious? you should probably go buy it now, esp considering the massive following across the world wide web of this blog. (there is subliminal marketing underneath these words.)

XX. improper cell phone usage. there are 2 places that are no place for a cell phone conversation- the gym, and the checkout registry. i mean, give me a break, there is no way you are that important. do you really need to bring your cell along as you spend 20 minutes on the elliptical machine? don't they have voice mail for that? you might THINK that you look cool b/c you can cycle and chat w/ no hands. but guess what? you look lame. and as far as calling your gyno while you're checking out @ the register- keep your converastions to yourself! you don't need to broadcast to the entire men's department of saks.

XX. no name. picture this: you're at the grocery store, and you see someone that looks familiar. you each give each other the peculiar glance for a few aisles, then it clicks. she's in your weekly yoga class, you're just not used to seeing her outside that environment. but damn, what IS her name... your friend beth is with you, which is a good thing b/c when you finally run into each other in the canned vegetable aisle, you can say "oh this is my friend mary" with that suggestive tone and hand gesture. but no, the yoga chick just smiles and says "nice to meet you!" HELLO you KNOW that is code for "introduce yourself you etiquette-less yogi!!!!!!"

XX. unexpected generosity. as most of you know, i began taking classes at BU this past semester (can you believe their spring semester ended last week?). i'm technically part of the graduate student dept, a distinction given automatically since i already have a BA from UNC, and am not working towards a further degree. i have really enjoyed this experience. and beyond that, it really gave me a much needed sense of purpose. (not to mention my recent class was on abnormal psychology, which definitely confirmed that you are all crazy. it's official, i am friends w/ a bunch of nutjobs.) even tho it can't be proven that the class has an impact on my physical health, it's a no-brainer that it can't hurt my mental and emotional well being. it gives me connection to the oustide world, something to focus on and become involved in, and most importantly, give my brain some much needed exercise. after all, i need to keep it sharp & fresh for when i make my big comeback.

even tho the fee to audit a class is SIGNIFICANTLY less than the cost of tuition, it's still almost $200- money that could, and should, be going to pay a more pressing bill (and most likely related to my healthcare). it was a disappointment to come to that realization, and then i began to panic. the thought of losing that outlet... immediately i shifted gears and tried to contact someone in the graduate program or dean's office that i could meet with. i thought if i shared my situation, and promised to pay the auditing fee back in a payment schedule, that somehow, someway taking a class this summer and fall could still happen.

well, it wasn't that easy, despite my persistence and charm (well, i thought i had charm. maybe that's not the case!) however, the generosity of others, in this case through my church, the funding has been provided and i will be able to continue taking a class each semester. this summer i will be taking intro to sociology & anthropology, which will be held on monday, tuesday, wednesday, thursday, friday.... um, yeah, every day. that should be interesting, considering some days i can't leave my bed. but i spoke with the professor and made sure he understood i wasn't being purposefully disrespectful of his knowledge o rhis time, and that i would do the best i could. so, game on.

XX. communicating electronically. avoiding awakward conversations by keeping the communication to email never ends well. trust me, i've had many an electronic misunderstanding and back/forth insults. in the end, it only leads to MORE unresolved issues and more awkward tension that will only end by having a real talk. in person. or on the phone, if like me, you lent your private jet to brangelina for their french birthing experience.

XX. JURY DUTY! yes, i meant to color code that as a yellow- i mean, this is big news! meg menzies morgensen is wanted as an integral part in our nation's judicial process in the booming metropolis of.... oh wait, i'm not in DC anymore. but hey, at least lewisburg wants me! when the majority of you receive that little slip of paper in the mail, your stomach drops to your feet and rolls around on the carpeting, spilling the contents of your intestines and colon. not fun, is it? but me? i almost did a jig! in fact, i would have if we hadn't JUST returned home from the MS Walk wkend in DC and i was a walking, swollen, zombie. i don't blame them for wanting me, i mean i'm practically the poster child for ideal juror. i mean, i have watched every episode of law & order, law & order SVU, and law & order criminal intent- i know my stuff. (i will prob be dismissed once they see the cane and my list of daily meds. oh well, a girl can dream.)

XX. DVR. so here's to you mr. high tech geek man who came up with this device when you had to make the difficult choice to watch saved by the bell: college years AND dawson's creek. steve pointed out that i am a fan of every show on television (on my facebook page) and i have to admit... he's right. i'm totally pathetic. but seriously, the world of DVR is like this dreamland of television viewing. when you throw HBO and extended cable into the mix- wow, the options are ENDLESS. i haven't had cable since i lived at home in 1997. and man, it has really upped its game during that decade. mad props to the media monsters!

XX. "how i met your mother"- the CBS monday night sitcom. whenever i watch the show i'm transported back to DC in the year 2004. we're all broke as a joke, everyone is taking their turn dating each other, we're all working way too many hours for a pathetic excuse of a paycheck, fetching coffees and pastries for morning meetings, and spending our weekends drinking boxed wine and 12 pks of millers lite. anyway, back to why i love "how i met..."- in a recent episode, marshall & lily were about 10 minutes away from losing their newly purchased apartment before they had even moved in (marshall had quit his high paying corporate sleazebag job in a crazy dramatic moral decision, and they couldn't come up with the money to pay their first mortgage.) ahh, friends...

slumber party at the PA bed/breakfast AKA morgensen household (elle, meg, dt & beau)

XX. reconnecting. a couple weeks ago i had a surprise email waiting in my inbox from a former client from my Bremmer & Goris days. she had recently spoken with julie, who is pretty much the rock star of B&G these days, and had subsequently gotten my contact info from her. (btw jules, does this mean you're giving out my info to anyone off the street? what a pal. remember they must have health insurance, straight teeth, and don't live with their mother.) anyway, i was so psyched to hear from her. kathy was not your typical client- she was a mentor to me, and a role model for women everywhere who try to have it all. i know that comes across as a bit over the top, but it's true. to be completely honest, i attribute some of the success i had in the industry itself, and future agencies, to her- at least before my career was cut a bit short. (sensitive subject w/ me.)

but there's another reason why kathy has a place in the exclusive meg memory stash, that exemplifies why i consider her a mentor and role model. let's revisit the year 2005, when i was project manager @ B&G- it was an exhausting year of (unsuccessfully) trying to hide my MS diagnosis from my coworkers and clients alike. the steroids had depleted my immune system, and i had picked up bronchitis which turned into pneumonia, and about 3 cases of strep throat during the whole ordeal. but no matter how many layers of makeup i put on each morning to hide my pale skin and sunken eyes, or how many times i plastered that auto smile across my face- i was finally forced to take more and more time off as the flareups increased in both intensity and frequency. one afternoon, i received a card from kathy and the timing couldn't have been better- it was during one of the worst episodes so far. she didn't ignore the hot pink elephant in the room, but she addressed it in a very considerate way. in a simple, direct manner, she let me know that she was thinking about me, missed working on projects together, and that she was there for me- if i wanted her to be. i'll never forget it.

XX. oprah's new show, the big give. i'm a huge oprah fan, so the fact that this rant is in RED is quite out of character for me. i feel so guilty, like i should throw myself at her feet and beg for mercy- i'm sorry oprah, i'm sorry!! the show is based on the whole "pay it forward" concept- loosely based on random acts of kindness to complete strangers. the show was hyped as spreading the idea of community service and the overuse of the phrase "... give big, or go home." but it couldn't be further from that promise, b/c what it all came down to was... money. shocking. but that wasn't the only reason the show left me with a bad taste in my mouth. (similar to that metallic steroid aftertaste) at the end of the day, it was just another competition. yeah, yeah, yeah... i get that the whole challenge was to see who could "give" the most, and isn't that a "healthy" and "positive" competition?

no, b/c there is no such thing as a healthy competition. and the contestants sure played their parts well... there wasn't any displays of teamwork, of collaboration, of respect. instead they all looked out for #1- definitely not a positive character trait in community service. i was really let down by this- i mean, hello, oprah pretty much is the rockstar of the 20th century! here she had the perfect platform to showcase the importance of giving back, showing real people get their hands dirty and change lives for the better, to get to the heart of peoples' hurt and hopes- to anyone & everyone.

instead, the big O had the contestants working the phones, from huge corporations to their own personal connections- and asking for money. where's the human interaction? that's what makes a difference to people, that's what people remember. not giving huge amounts of cash to people that have fatal cancer or 105 foster children and calling it a day. not that these people don't deserve help- they do. but so does everyone else. what about the elderly woman who can't mow her lawn? or the guy in your office that needs help with his taxes? what about your neighbor who needs someone to watch her son so she can make her 10pm shift? or the single father who needs to take his daughter shopping for a prom dress? would this not be giving big? because helping any one of these people with the mentioned small need will leave them with a big impression, i promise you that.

XX. dr. randy pausch and the last lecture. this has become something of a youtube inspirational sensation, and i decided to see what the big hype was about when he was on Primetime a few weeks ago. for those of you that have been living under a rock (or piles of job jackets), randy is a carnegie mellon professor who is dying of pancreatic cancer, and the way he has decided to handle this fatal blow has inspired millions of people already. CMU has an honor it bestows to professors who are leaving the university to pursue other employment or usually retirement, they call it "the last lecture". but in randy's case, the lecture truly is his last, as the doctors have given him only 3-6 mo to live. everything- the lecture itself, the primetime segment, the book he wrote... it's most definitely moving. but during his interview with diane sawyer, he said something that deeply resonated with me... "if i don't seem as depressed or morose as i should be, sorry to disappoint you... "

i don't usually fulfill peoples' expectations when they hear that i am so sick and that the MS is kicking my @$$. i'm not quite sure what they expected, but it's definitely not a girl wearing makeup, dressed in fashionable clothing, a smile on her face, laughing, photographs of this woman with friends, in social environments- outwardly, i'm the same person they always knew, and it becomes hard to accept otherwise, when what they are literally seeing isn't representative of the truth. but when i'm in the wheelchair, or struggling with my cane and the endless pavement in front of me, i can feel the way some people look at me differently. like i'm broken, or not as capable. it's hard for some to understand why i am in horrible amounts of pain but yet i still refuse to ride in the chair- i feel humiliated and embaressed by it. and it's b/c of these looks- these looks of pity and of curiosity. i appreciate the pep talks, but come on- we all think like that. and hopefully i will get over my insecurity, b/c i don't want to miss out on things b/c i physically cannot keep up with the rest of my world. but i can still do everything i used to do- i just have to do it differently. and yes, it may take longer, and yes, some days i may not be able to do it at all- i've just evolved, i've changed. it's goingt o happen to all of us at some point or another. so embrace it. and most of all, accept it. accept me.

XX. monday night's tv lineup. dancing with the stars, the bachelor, the hills (season 3)... now THAT is a triple threat. a few things i have to get out of my system. if you have no clue what i'm talking about just continue on to my next secret pleasure or pain. 1- audrina is a spineless, 2 faced b*otch- for letting heidi horrible use her (BLATANTLY!), going back to justin bobby (who looks even worse with short hair) and finally, playing innocent about her nude photos that are suddenly all over the internet. as far as the bachelor goes... do the producers just FIND girls that are psycho and fall in love with any male that gives them a passing glance? or maybe when you get in that first limo, they hypnotize you and put you through a "dumb blonde slut" chamber. one of the girls i myself have fallen in love with is shane. she is totally high maintenance and doesn't care- love that trait! plus she has my fashion sense- another trait that is nothin' but fab. but amanda? how many times does she need to say like in one sentence? expand your vocabulary sweetheart! dancing with the stars always leaves me with a twinge of sadness- i would love to learn how to ballroom dance. but at this point, i don't even know how that could be possible. i'm dizzy from turning my head quickly to watch a dog run by- i'd be passin' out more than marie osmond.

XX. baby boom!!! while of course i wouldn't renounce reproduction and encouraging the population of our future world, i DO just want to make it clear that we have reached capacity for babies this summer. if you were holding out the surprise guest until it happened then TOO BAD. hahah. but seriously, as more and more of you revealed your pregnancy status to me in the late fall, i began to tally how many little bare bottoms would be smacked in july. the number has reached SEVEN. SEVEN! what was there? some massive chain email that made halloween & thanksgiving national baby making holidays?!

XX. telemarketers. is there anything worse than telemarketers who somehow break through the national do not call registry to ring you up on a sunday morning? i didn't think so either. that is, until the primaries came to PA and the answer became LOUD & clear... CAMPAIGN telemarketers who call on sunday mornings. aaaaaaaaaaand sunday afternoons, and sunday nights, and monday mornings... need i continue? thankfully the vote is now over, and the less than minimum wage 20-somethings are shifting their dialing fingers to north carolina to enjoy some southern hospitality! yay!

to be continued...

remember, you can view these postings directly on kitkat chat's blog

http://meggerv2.blogspot.com/