here's the thing. as much as i don't want to face it, and upcoming birthday avoidance aside, i'm 98.66666% sure that I have become a grown-up. this most likely occurred when i was in one of the stages of denial, but regardless of that fact, i should be thinking more maturely, right? i should be living my days in line with the number one priority in my life- taking care of my health. it should go without saying that i should be disciplined, that my thoughts should focus around increasing my strength, conserving my energy, performing the MS yoga routines, being vigilant about taking my medications, yada yada yada.
but i have to confess something. my thoughts ... don't always focus on the responsible things i just mentioned. i mean, come on. they're hideously boring! would you be thrilled with such an agenda??? if i were to be perfectly candid with you, i'd say that some of my thoughts are incredibly materialistic and completely irrational. example? easy. my brother went out in the sweltering heat for a 45 minute run this morning, and i turned an unattractive shade of GREEN with envy. um, i HATE running. and i think sweating is abhorrent. but i'd like to have the OPTION of running. want to know something else? i really miss drinking wine, especially that delicious bubbly vinho verde we used to buy @ trader joe's for $3.99. how pathetic is that? i'm in the midst of a health CRISIS and i want to be guzzling booze and running a marathon.
while we're at it- how i miss shopping! put me in a target, macy's, the limited, banana republic, ann taylor loft, dsw, anthropologie- even those chaotic racks at forever21- and i'd be content for days. (especially when i'm with kate b/c she always insist we stop at auntie ann's for soft pretzels.) i miss the panicky thrill of checking my online account obsessively to make sure nothing is overdrawn before that piddly paycheck is deposited at 12:01am on the 2nd friday of every month. i miss those carb-a-licious bagel sandwiches at that place in clarendon, starbuck's chai skim lattes, chipotle burritos, bloomin' onions... ok, clearly i'm on a roll. i'll allow one more. i miss getting dressed up with the girls on a saturday night and ending up in a seedy beer bar dancing our asses off to a cheesy cover band. (ohhhhh, wait! i can't forget those super greasy slices of pizza at 2am in adams morgan.)
but now that i've put pen to paper (or finger to keypad) on my inner-most materialistic secrets, i guess i should try to put it all back in perspective. i've been trying to remake myself in my own image, and it's being proven that it was the wrong approach. i can't go running. 1/2 a cup of white wine makes me vomit. i am physically unable to walk around a shopping mall (and refuse to be carted around in a wheelchair at the age of 26, almost 27, by an unlucky pal who was guilted into it.) i the online account overdraw excitement is null and void bc i don't even have a paycheck. and to top it all off, i don't eat gluten so all of those deliciously greasy items i mentioned are banned.
ok, brain says, we'll find other things you can do instead! how the hell do i do that? it took me over 20 years to figure out who i was and how my "normal" fit into the lives of my work, my friends, my family. no one told me i'd have to start over. so today, i have no answers. all i know is that i solve these problems much better when i have a glass of red and a late night gab session with my neighbor candy. oh yeah, i don't live there anymore.
No comments:
Post a Comment