the first lady

did you know that our first lady has a personal connection to MS? i rarely read the MS marketing and educational materials that come my way (i know, i know- it's a mental thing/emotional aversion). however, mom handed me an article from the momentum spring 2009 issue, and to my surprise, michelle obama's classy face jumped off the page:


"Michelle obama spoke movingly about her father in her speech at the Democratic National Convention last year:


'My dad was our rock. And although he was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis in his early thirties, he was our provider... But as he got sicker, it got harder for him to walk. Took him longer to get dressed in the morning. But if he was in pain, he never let on. He never stopped smiling and laughing, even while struggling to button his shirt.'


To view the entire speech, go to youtube and type in "Michelle Obama DNC" in the search field."


the blurb reminded me of a conversation i had with jana at cherry alley on friday. her husband remarked that she turns into a completely different person when she's in public and dealing with her illness. she may be nearly comatose on the couch but when someone walks in the house, she's bright and perky, smiling and laughing. he's right- actually, he has hit our confliction dead on. i know this because i do the same thing, and i cannot stop it from happening, regardless of how aware i may be of the transformation.


there could be many reasons for this "public face", but i believe that the most relevant one is that it is a personal battle. i don't want anyone to see me sick, to see me in pain, to see me curled up in a ball with tears seeping out the corners of my eyes. while some days it may be the reality, i prefer to deal with it myself. how can i put this in terms that you will understand?


let's say that you have the flu, or a viscious cold. you know the type- your head is so congested that you can barely think, let alone breath. your voice sounds like a strained instrument stuck on the wrong chord. you're registering a fever of 101 and running to the bathroom to vomit every few minutes. ok, this may be extreme but i have a point, i promise. do you want to be surrounded by people? most likely it's the last thing you'd prefer. in fact, you probably have wrapped yourself up in a ratty old blanket and holed yourself up in a bedroom with the TV on "the view" while you down tylenol cold/flu formula. you're just going to put in your time with this bout of sickness and then face the world again. am i right?


the symptoms and challenges may be different but you and i share the same feelings. there's a reason you don't see myself or jana when we're sick, and it's because we don't want you to. we're reminded of our illness every second of every hour of every day- we don't need you to be reminded of it as well. sometimes i feel like i have two lives, and there is a constant struggle between the two for a proper balance. so reading this comment from michelle obama about her father really hit home, and even though it was brief in length it was actually quite comforting. maybe i just needed a reminder that i'm not the only one putting on a public face.

fully favorable

text message from joel: "congratulations on your disability. LOL, i just re-read what i wrote."

actually, joel, that's the perfect quote for the occasion! on friday, jan 30th, i had my pre-hearing meeting with my SSD lawyer. (flashback: i was originally denied SSD because the Administration said i was "too young to have MS", and had "too much education". discrimination anyone?!) the goal was to prepare me for all the questions that would be asked and to get me thinking about the answers i would give, etc. long story short- it was hell. a total nightmare. so many of these things i have put out of my head- this is my reality, this is my life, there is nothing i can do about it, so i have to keep moving on. but the meeting required me to drag out every single detail of my physical ailments and challenges- when i laid it out like that, my life sounded miserable and pathetic.

the icing on the cake was when the lawyer told me that the vocational "expert" would be testifying- he/she would go over the jobs that the Administration said i was able to perform. while they admit i cannot work in my trained field (advertising), they said that i could work in sedentary positions such as video-security surveillance (as in, at a mall), egg inspector, or small parts assembly in a factory line. 1) i was offended, and had every right to be, and 2) are they idiots?! did they even read the case file? with my optic neuritis and essential tremors, none of those jobs would even be possible!! it reduced me to tears and actually caused me to vomit (TMI? perhaps, but since when has that stopped me.)

after an hour, i was emotionally depleted and physically exhausted, so i excused myself while mom/dad continued the conversation with the lawyer for an additional hour. we had determined that mom should testify, since she is my main caregiver, she would have the most influence. it was hard to focus on anything other than the hearing for the rest of the weekend. not only that, but the hearing was pushed back 2 additional weeks, which screwed up my support system of lori being in attendance. (i was already mentally prepared to get rejected yet again, and knew she could be a positive distraction.) monday morning brought some rough times, and i was checking my email in a daze when this one came in:

from Karen Quinn
to M Morgensen <mmm3433@gmail.com>
date Mon, Feb 2, 2009 at 10:41 AM
subject RE: hearing

Dear Meggie,

I have good news for you. On Friday while I was out seeing you, Judge Gehring’s chamber’s called to respond to my request for a continuance. It seems the Judge looked at your file and has decided to award you the benefits “on the record” . What this means is that we do not have to go to a Hearing and you have won your Social Security case. I had hoped he would do this but since we had not heard from him I did not think it was going to happen.

Anyway, what will happen next is you and I will receive a written decision in the mail in about 3 weeks. Once the decision is completed, your file will be processed in Baltimore for payment. You can expect to get a call from Social Security to ask some questions about your banking information for direct deposit.

Please give me a call if you have any questions. Karen M. Quinn

i began screaming, with tears running down my face. immediately i forwarded the email to my father, aunt mary and uncle bill- and shouted for mom to come quickly. (she had to read it more than once before she believed it wasn't spam!) it's almost ironic that in those 2 1/2 years of anxiety, waiting, rejection, and discrimination, all it took was one rational judge who took the time to actually read through my case file. that's all! it could have happened months ago- years ago even.

flowers from aunt mary & uncle bill: "no hearing! all done!"

i've never been so happy to be deemed "disabled"! but it was the final piece of support i had been lacking, that was going to be so key to moving on with my life. i've been struggling with the emotional and mental implications of accepting i am drawing social security disability. you are most likely thinking "what in the hell is wrong with her? of course she deserves/needs it. what's shameful about that?". but the thing is, i always saw myself as big shot career girl- the do-it-all kind of woman who moves up quickly (and famously) in the industry, has an enviable marriage to a handsome, intelligent man, and raises beautiful genius babies.

the focus, dedication, and ambition i had for so long in my career had slowly become non-applicable, and this recent designation seemed to seal my fate. what happens now? am i deemed to being worth nothing- to amount to nothing, attain nothing, and in essence, become nothing? rationally i realize that is not the case- it couldn't be farther from the truth. and of course, i truly believe that i am not the type to become complacent. if my situation changes, which God willing it may, then i would give anything to return to work. perhaps not in a deadline/stress-driven environment such as advertising, but something that will still give me the reward and satisfaction that my previous dreams seemed to hold.

but for now, i am trying to take those attributes and focus them on keeping myself healthy- on being able to function and have a life that can still contribute to the world around me, in whatever way i am able. i'm not going to lose this fear of facing public judgement overnight. there are always going to be those outsiders that do not understand. if you saw me on the street you may not realize anything was amiss (unless i happened to trip over an imaginary tree branch and head planted into the pavement.) but i can't live my life to please others or to be accepted by others.

it's funny- as we grow older we keep relearning the lessons we were taught as children, just in different environments.