Mark my word, any man who plays tag with sharks won't live to see Monday.
Many of us thought that Myrna wasn't much prettier than her pet ostrich.
measles, minister, moisture, migrate, mayhem, mutual, mongrel, meditate, magnet, mutiny, monster, molar, moody, medley, meager...
no, i haven't taken on a side job doing the neighborhood kids' homework (although i could use the extra cash), nor am i studying for the state spelling bee. this, ladies & gentlemen, is official speech therapy- in action! but first, you have to warm up. you can't just start spewing out words willy nilly. oh no, there is a method to this madness!
1. make sure you do these in a very public place. otherwise, it's not nearly as funny. your cubicle or morning metro ride would be a great start.
2. take a deep breath and say "eeeeeeeee"- hold it for as long as possible. no, don't push through your nose, it should be soft. um, still not right- too breathy. ok you seem to be having a bit of trouble. maybe "aaaaaahhhhhh" would be easier for you? wait- hold the tone steady.... steady, steady....
3. say the word "boam", starting at a high pitch and push, push, push those notes out to end on a low note. if you do this properly, your lips create this funky buzzzzzzz sensation. (wow, that noise was painful- was that even human? maybe you should stick to the shower from now on.)
4. remember your grade school music lesson of "do-re-mi-fa-so-la-ti-do" (or, the sound of music lyrics, which i can't get out of my head since friday night's high school performance)? belt them out, try to sustain the notes as long as possible... keep going, don't stop now you pansy! do it again, again i say!!!
you probably butchered the preceding vocal exercises, but i'll give you the benefit of the doubt and let you continue on this magical journey of the spoken word. remember the beautiful examples of fine literary composition from the beginning of this post? start by humming the beginning "m" sound in the first word of each sentence before proceeding with the tongue twister. your lips should make that funky buzzzzz sensation again. got it? draw it out, draw it out.... "mmmmmmm". ok i guess that's acceptable. then, before pronouncing the next word, take a deep breath in, giving yourself enough air to form each word in its entirity. allow me:
"m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m....ade gasp amazed gasp us gulp with her gasp imitations gulp of minnie gasp mouse gasp and marilyn gasp monroe." (exhale dramatically and pant for air.)
congratulations, you have passed your first speech therapy lesson! most of this is accurate, but of course i had to put the meg spin on it. but the sentences are unfortunately real. even i couldn't make up something that lame! come on, give me some credit!!! hahah. my speech pathologist is vickie, and she looks exactly like tinkerbell- without the wings. i could just fold her up and put her in my back pocket! (i wish i could, b/c she could kick me in the ass when i slur my way through a sentence. she is so patient with me, and is my biggest cheerleader. i went in today with a bad attitude- i just didn't feel like the exercises were helping me. to be quite frank i thought it was a huge waste of time. i can recite the words til i'm blue in the face, or speak incredibly slowly to my face in the bathroom mirror, but when i get in a real conversation, in public, it all goes out the window and the spasms run rampant.
she did talk me off the ledge, reminding me that these are just the building blocks, and there isn't going to be a magic switch that makes my speech flawless again. it's going to be worse when i'm stressed, emotional (good or bad), nervous or tired, and while the exercises might not prevent the problems from occuring, they will give me the tools to correct it on the back end. also, she said that i've made an incredibly amount of progress just in the 3 weeks she has been seeing me. (i'm going to have to take her word for it- she's the professional after all.) a portion of the session is just having regular, off the cuff conversation, forcing me to speak unscripted in an attempt to mimic a "real world" environment. i tell her about my weekend, the plot of a book i'm reading, or what i ate for breakfast, and she marks an X on her notepad every time i slur my words. to me, it was a page of this:
X XXXXX XX X XXX XX XX X XXXX X X X XXX XXXXX XX X XXX XX X X XXX XXXX XX XX X X X
however, she pointed out that 75% of those times, i was able to stop. breathe. start again. i have to change the relationship between my breathing and my speech, and make a conscious effort to apply these practices in every single conversation i have. vicki said her patients fall into 2 categories- those that say "no way, no how, i can't do this, i can't change the way i speak, it's too hard." the other category of folks will work really diligently for 2 or 3 weeks- forcing themselves to be very conscious of their breathing, to sloooowwwwww their speech down significantly. they come into her office and say "you know what- i don't even have to think about this anymore, it's become second nature." i obviously want to fall in the second category, but damn, it's really hard. part of that might be psychological in origin- i am angry that my disease has made me change so many things about my life. frankly, it pisses me off that i have to relearn how to have a simple conversation with joe blow on the street.
our little lesson in speech therapy will have to end here. i can't divulge all my trade secrets! and besides, it's time for a new seasson of dancing with the stars!
remember, you can view these postings directly on kit katchat's blog
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