who here has ridden greyhound recently?

this was a question posed to my anthropology: modern africa class as our professor tried to compare one of his many experiences in an african taxicab. (he's a hard core, stereotypical anthropologist, so i take his word for it- think unkempt hair, flip flops, torn flannel shirts...) it was a pretty basic question, esp. one that most people could relate to. i mean, considering we are a sample of the average population, even further as college students who are prone to using public transportation as much as possible out of financial necessity. unfortunately, he chose the wrong target audience (from my tenure in the advertising/marketing world, i immediately recognized this as SUDDEN DEATH!), as i was the ONLY person in a class of 30+ to raise their hand.

when a single year's tuition could cover the lease on my old town alexandria apartment for almost 44 MONTHS, i'm willing to bet these kids don't even know where their local greyhound station is, let alone ridden one of their buses. (FYI- 1 year's tuition at BU is $38,134- data from the 2007/2008 academic year per reported in Forbes) good thing i'm auditing his class so our enlightened professor wouldn't be the only one forced to mingle with the masses.

now, i'm clearly not an expert on african taxicabs, but i do consider myself an expert (by default, naturally) on bus transportation, especially since this past weekend's trip to OBX would be at least the 10th time i've been a passenger. (one of their more well-dressed passengers, i will proudly point out.) in fact, i should lobby the company to issue a customer loyalty program- i could be on my way to a california road trip right now. unfortunately finding out which company to target would require a government inquiry by the dept. of transportation- is always a "surprise" to learn which bus company will be taking you to your next destination- susquehanna trailways, capitol trailways, peter pan, greyhound... the name on your ticket means absolutely nothing, trust me.)

let me offer a few pointers to those of you who might be greyhound virgins. (please note: from here on out, all bus companies will be referred to as greyhound since apparently they can double as any other company if need be. if you ever find out the logic behind this, please let me know.)

you must have a destination ticket on any luggage being stowed underneath the bus. this is amusing for more than one reason. first of all, customer service is a foreign language on these ventures- you will be the one stowing your suitcase at the beginning of your trip, and struggling in vain, praying it hasn't been stolen, as you retrieve it at the end of your trip. so why again do you have to have a destination ticket if it NEVER LEAVES YOUR HANDS?! secondly, if you purchase your ticket on the bus, or at a satellite location (i.e.- the market deli on market st. in lewisburg, where i purchase all my bus tickets), they only give you carbon copies of your ticket. if you present these at your bus transfers, you will be told to go into the bus station and get a baggage slip at the ticket counter. the women at the ticket counter will ignore you for at least 8 minutes while they finish eating their sticky buns or discuss why their boss can't tell them they've taken too many smoke breaks, before telling you that they cannot issue baggage slips for tickets purchased at other locations. during this time you will be praying to god (and anyone else that will listen) that the bus driver hasn't forgotten he sent you inside before beeping his horn 2 times and exiting the parking lot- complete with your "unofficial" baggage.

you may not bring cell phones on certain buses, or your ringer must be turned off on certain buses, or you may not talk on your cell phone on certain buses. usually there is no visible signage officially posting this policy, however i once saw a misspelled flyer posted in script on the back of a bus ticket taped behind the driver's seat. so perhaps they are in transition. however, this does not mean your bus driver's cell phone is banned. if anything, he is encouraged to use his phone- which he does quite frequently, especially to other drivers out on the road. they discuss everything from the weather, the traffic, swapping shifts, or most recently, to unveil that they have joined a rock band and are playing gigs a couple hours away. (i can only imagine the joints where this dude played- he was at least 70 and clearly didn't believe in self maintenance. think jerry garcia driving a bus.) i'm pretty sure that using ear pieces are becoming law all across the country, with stiff fines if you are caught on your phone without one- not to mention when you are driving a TWO TON BUS with PAID PASSENGERS ON BOARD. but apparently greyhound hasn't gotten the message. (and trust me, these guys never earned standout points for multi tasking.)

the first row of seats is reserved for those riders with disabilities, unless the bus drivers personal belongings are occupying said space. if this is the case, tough luck. also, if you are a passenger with disabilities, you are required to give the bus company 48 hours notice. why, i am not completely sure. if you need assistance, you have better luck asking the semi sober guy behind you for help with your bags. even when i was using a cane (HELLO! I EVEN HAVE PROPS- I AM TOTALLY LEGIT!- the driver stood outside the door deadpan, tearing tickets stone faced, while i struggled to mount the stairs.)

you do not need a valid ID (or any ID), a 2 hour advance arrival prior to your departure, or worry about your nail file passing through the unsmiling security stations, to board your intended bus. (you should however, ask at least 3 people their destination to confirm you are on the right bus- the drivers will not announce "welcome to bus 427 bound for harrisburg, pa!" in a falsely cheery voice before departure. i think the microphone is there for effect.) all you need to do is arrive 5-10 minutes before departure (and i do mean departure time- there is no such thing as "boarding time" on buses) to secure your place in the ridiculously configured, nowhere near straight line by the door. and feel free to bring anything from a loaded firearm, various knives, body bags, or liquids over 4 ounces. (or, if you're me, your latest stash of gluten free overpriced items from whole foods.)

to avoid contact with any degenerates or sketchy chatty people, wear your headphones at all times, keep an open book or magazine on your lap, and make sure your carry on is placed on the empty seat beside you. make sure a friend knows that you are embarking on a bus journey, and approximately what time you are scheduled to arrive at your destination- preferably talk to this friend as you board the bus and the moment you near your exit. doing so in earshot of any degenerates or sketchy chatty people will ensure they will not repeatedly ask you the time, if you are carrying any spare batteries or more importantly, if you are going to visit your boyfriend, during the duration of your trip. the answer to which of course is no, no, and yes- always. (as far as being on time, i have only had 1 incident when my bus was late or had any major malfunction, which is WAY more than i can say for any of the major airlines i have flown with over the past few years.)

i look forward to the day when i can compare african taxicabs to greyhound- until then, i'll be wishing i was flagging a cab in tanzania every time i prepare for my next trip to DC.

remember, you can view these postings directly on kitkat chat's blog
http://meggerv2.blogspot.com/