friends are super high maintenance! you have to talk to them, return their calls, meet them for brunch, send birthday cards (which requires remembering their birthdays), have at least one night of too many shots and drunken booty shakin', support their stupid decisions (these are usually fueled by "love"), oh and there's always this one, cry with them when it doesn't work out. but the main prize of all, and it requires being a REALLY good friend who keeps in touch all those years... and before you know it, you're struggling into that puffy overpriced bridesmaids dress that will no doubt be stained with red wine from flailing arms and bumping into the waiter before the night is over.
now, most of this has never applied to me- clearly my friends are pure class and style all the way (not to mention budget conscious.) and, i'm being 100% honest, none of the dresses have been stereotypically horrific- in fact, most of them i truly love! (but they're still hanging in my closet- one time worn. i sometimes flit around my bedroom in them but that's about as much action as they get.) and 'fess up- what girl doesn't love slipping on a pretty dress with sexy heels, a pearl necklace and a good looking (ideally single) man on her arm. not to mention scoring a portion of the attention (oh come on like you haven't sat in a wedding and checked out the bridal party) from the crowded chapel full of guests.
so, when patty called last thursday and sweetly asked me to be a bridesmaid in her august wedding, i let out an excited and high pitched squeal of acceptance. we chatted for a few quick minutes... got the scoop on the required dress- the skirt is one of those layered numbers that was popular at the academy awards this year. oh, and it's pink! sigh, i'm already envisioning myself twirling around the house in it- breaking it in of course, no outside use... she was at work, we said our goodbyes, mwa mwa! love u! and i snapped my cell phone shut.BAM! the reality of my acceptance hit me like a freight train. my bright blue cane was glowing at me with a smug little smile blinding light. oh god, oh god, oh god. bridesmaids don't have CANES. bridesmaids don't walk like they've been riding bareback for weeks. bridesmaids saunter. bridesmaids look beautiful and graceful down the aisle. the only thing i had everyone beat in was speed- i'd slow down that pace like a true wedding planner's dream.
but back to the cane. not only were the colors going to clash horrifically, but E! might send the fashion police after me. my mind was already scanning possible scenarios. ok, so i could stash the ol' gal in the back row. maybe i could even place the parents there strategically and we could do a quick hand-off. depending on how many feet the alter was from the back row, i could probably make it with my enhanced hip performance.
i've been using this 3" stretchy wrap around velcro belt to stabilize my body's core- it feels like someone has placed their hands on your hips and is literally balancing your body. unfortunately, it makes you walk like john wayne with full metal gear on. NOT sexy for a refined lady like myself, that's for sure. however, on the positive side, the sash is espresso (very very very dark brown), and this stabilizer belt is black- i think we have a match here!
damn, i wish stairs were involved, i'm pro at sliding down on my ass one step at a time. but i've only been to one wedding where the bride & her people came down a staircase, so the chances are slim to none. but even if i made it cane-less up to the front of the church, how in the hell am i going to stand for 20-30 minutes straight for the ceremony?!? a chair would scream tacky (or people might expect an apolo & julianne performance from last week's Dancing with the Stars . hmmm, well, they did get a 10 from Bruno...) and i'm assuming plopping down indian style would be a bit inappropriate.
alright, let's try another approach. maybe they chose a church with only 1 aisle down the center, therefore the groomsmen would have to accompany the bridesmaids- do you think it would be overstepping my boundaries as a member of the bridal party to request that? yes. but if it worked out that way, i'd simply clutch the gentleman's arm and hang on for dear life. (pretend he is a cane, a giant-sized robot cane.)
oh my god i'm going to RUIN THE WEDDING!!!!
would it be wrong to base my entire recovery on a goal of walking down the aisle for patty's wedding? she is one of my dearest & closest friends, so it would be a motivator- motivators are good, right? oh god, if i told my neurologist and physical therapist i needed a recovery date of august 1 to look normal in a girlfriend's wedding, they'd look at me like i had 3 heads. it's not even my freakin' wedding for god's sake.
ok meg, calm down. you're not going to ruin the wedding. there are more realistic wedding "faux pas" than using a bright blue cane... the photographer could trip over the table holding the cake, for the 1st dance the dj could switch "unforgettable" by nat king cole with "don't cha" by the pussycat dolls/busta rhymes (oops), the rings could fall out of the ring bearer's pocket into the toilet, the bride could accidentally be left at the hotel (this happened at a wedding i was in!), the bar could run out of booze (now that's crossing the line from faux pas to serious problem)... just to name a few. (don't worry patty, none of these will really happen. i made them up with my wild imagination.)
after thinking about all these scenarios, i realized that when it's all said and done, no one is going to care that i am using a bright blue cane. or remember there was a girl with a cane there at all. everyone will be going to be a part of bryan and patty's celebration, which is the whole reason i'm there in the first place- and the most important reason there is.
alright, let's try another approach. maybe they chose a church with only 1 aisle down the center, therefore the groomsmen would have to accompany the bridesmaids- do you think it would be overstepping my boundaries as a member of the bridal party to request that? yes. but if it worked out that way, i'd simply clutch the gentleman's arm and hang on for dear life. (pretend he is a cane, a giant-sized robot cane.)
oh my god i'm going to RUIN THE WEDDING!!!!
would it be wrong to base my entire recovery on a goal of walking down the aisle for patty's wedding? she is one of my dearest & closest friends, so it would be a motivator- motivators are good, right? oh god, if i told my neurologist and physical therapist i needed a recovery date of august 1 to look normal in a girlfriend's wedding, they'd look at me like i had 3 heads. it's not even my freakin' wedding for god's sake.
ok meg, calm down. you're not going to ruin the wedding. there are more realistic wedding "faux pas" than using a bright blue cane... the photographer could trip over the table holding the cake, for the 1st dance the dj could switch "unforgettable" by nat king cole with "don't cha" by the pussycat dolls/busta rhymes (oops), the rings could fall out of the ring bearer's pocket into the toilet, the bride could accidentally be left at the hotel (this happened at a wedding i was in!), the bar could run out of booze (now that's crossing the line from faux pas to serious problem)... just to name a few. (don't worry patty, none of these will really happen. i made them up with my wild imagination.)
after thinking about all these scenarios, i realized that when it's all said and done, no one is going to care that i am using a bright blue cane. or remember there was a girl with a cane there at all. everyone will be going to be a part of bryan and patty's celebration, which is the whole reason i'm there in the first place- and the most important reason there is.
besides, i'll wrap a pink ribbon around it with a bow on the handle- and look like a total pimp at the reception! now THAT will be unforgettable!
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