but as i began the exercise, it somehow morphed into a combination of a personal pep talk + major venting session, then strictly a list of things i hate. i've clearly had more than a few things to complain about lately, so i decided it was past time to shift my attitude. i L-O-V-E lists. i love using color-coded highlights, fine point sharpies, the smell of the ink as it blurs slightly on the smooth page, crossing off items with big, fat red markers, ... so, what follows is my "list of things meg has to be happy about". (a few of the things i hate sneaked in there.) in honor of my adoration of color coding, the things that piss me off are in RED (angry, rage filled RED) and things that are totally FIERCE will be in soothing, sunny yellow. this way, if i start to complain again, i can whip this baby out to read over and over til my temper tantrum passes. i heard a variation on the cliche "you can see the light at the end of the tunnel!"- "either that, or a train." that basically sums up the past few weeks. (the train part.)
XX. my summer 2008 travel lineup. if you payed attention in elementary school art class, you'll know why this heading is orange. (hint: primary colors anyone?) this is b/c certain elements fit the
"shit list" AND the "smiles & sunshine" codes. since i haven't taken a vacation since my france trip in '06 (although trust me, that was definitely a yellow category!) i'm almost positive i'm experiencing travel withdrawal. yes, yes, i admit i have taken mini trips in the past year- joe/hodges sent for me over the holidays, i dropped in on the blaine fam for a few days, and of course there was the annual MLK wkend expedition to boston (aka sanity, wine & girlfriends- the perfect prescription). but here's the problem- i'm broke as a joke. in addition, vacations are incredibly stressful and spin me into anxiety mode which is a) unattractive and b) embarrassing (trust me, traveling with a cane and a wheelchair isn't as easy as it looks- and apparently airport screeners are convinced you have stashed a bomb in both.) but this year, this season of sweltering summer 08 brings a fix to this vacation jonesing.
mid june, joe is flying me to NC where we'll spend a week hitting up their favorite restaurants, watching some flicks, having our trademark HOURS of conversation, teaching joe some new element of technology (last trip it was how to upload photos from your digital camera on to your computer), getting private gourmet cooking lessons from chef hodges, and hopefully enticing elle or patina to drive down to GSO for a day or so. (i have the feeling that jack, the main man in my life, an elder, suave, experienced gentleman even has my bed all set up for the visit.)end of june we are headed to california to see my older cuz ben get hitched at a vineyard in los gatos. this is dad's side of the family, who all live on the west coast (or nearby) and we do not get to visit with often, so i'm looking forward to reconnecting with everyone. not to mention when dad gets around his brothers- all their craziness emerges into utter insanity. it's hil-arrrrrr-ious.
but then there is the RED category of my summer travel lineup. my intentions were to give my cousin a gift she would always remember, a recognition of her graduating from high school. instead, i stumbled over a family history whose wounds haven't quite healed (or matured?) enough to make this happen. stupidly, i started a new generation of this family's silent civil war. i realize now that this... naiveté, this sense, this intense desire, to bring my family closer together. perhaps it's mere selfishness, an extension of how i don't want to end up alone. or maybe my experience with our family has driven me to want to create my own family, since i just need ot give up on ours. but i'd like to think i'm doing what my grandmother would have wanted, and the way i most recently chose to do that was how everyone starts off when they are pondering a gift for another... "what would i want if i was in her shoes?"
however, when you have to force yourself and your good intentions onto someone, the offer becomes tainted. instead of giving the red flag its proper due, i persisted, and i've wound up yet again with hurt feelings and a sense of loss. it saddens me. but, i just have to pick myself up, dust myself off and keep going. as we all know, dwelling just makes things worse. my preacher gave me a good piece of advice last week when he stopped by to discuss my upcoming semester of classes... "i am doing the best i can with the situation i have been given." most of us have a tendency to blame ourselves for things that are beyond our control, and this affirmation is a way of coping when this occurs.
XX. crystal lite's new flava flave... tangerine strawberry. utterly fabulous, and hides the gritty powder of glycolax cocktails. oh and did i mention lip smackin' delicious? you should probably go buy it now, esp considering the massive following across the world wide web of this blog. (there is subliminal marketing underneath these words.)XX. improper cell phone usage. there are 2 places that are no place for a cell phone conversation- the gym, and the checkout registry. i mean, give me a break, there is no way you are that important. do you really need to bring your cell along as you spend 20 minutes on the elliptical machine? don't they have voice mail for that? you might THINK that you look cool b/c you can cycle and chat w/ no hands. but guess what? you look lame. and as far as calling your gyno while you're checking out @ the register- keep your converastions to yourself! you don't need to broadcast to the entire men's department of saks.
XX. no name. picture this: you're at the grocery store, and you see someone that looks familiar. you each give each other the peculiar glance for a few aisles, then it clicks. she's in your weekly yoga class, you're just not used to seeing her outside that environment. but damn, what IS her name... your friend beth is with you, which is a good thing b/c when you finally run into each other in the canned vegetable aisle, you can say "oh this is my friend mary" with that suggestive tone and hand gesture. but no, the yoga chick just smiles and says "nice to meet you!" HELLO you KNOW that is code for "introduce yourself you etiquette-less yogi!!!!!!"
XX. unexpected generosity. as most of you know, i began taking classes at BU this past semester (can you believe their spring semester ended last week?). i'm technically part of the graduate student dept, a distinction given automatically since i already have a BA from UNC, and am not working towards a further degree. i have really enjoyed this experience. and beyond that, it really gave me a much needed sense of purpose. (not to mention my recent class was on abnormal psychology, which definitely confirmed that you are all crazy. it's official, i am friends w/ a bunch of nutjobs.) even tho it can't be proven that the class has an impact on my physical health, it's a no-brainer that it can't hurt my mental and emotional well being. it gives me connection to the oustide world, something to focus on and become involved in, and most importantly, give my brain some much needed exercise. after all, i need to keep it sharp & fresh for when i make my big comeback.
even tho the fee to audit a class is SIGNIFICANTLY less than the cost of tuition, it's still almost $200- money that could, and should, be going to pay a more pressing bill (and most likely related to my healthcare). it was a disappointment to come to that realization, and then i began to panic. the thought of losing that outlet... immediately i shifted gears and tried to contact someone in the graduate program or dean's office that i could meet with. i thought if i shared my situation, and promised to pay the auditing fee back in a payment schedule, that somehow, someway taking a class this summer and fall could still happen.
well, it wasn't that easy, despite my persistence and charm (well, i thought i had charm. maybe that's not the case!) however, the generosity of others, in this case through my church, the funding has been provided and i will be able to continue taking a class each semester. this summer i will be taking intro to sociology & anthropology, which will be held on monday, tuesday, wednesday, thursday, friday.... um, yeah, every day. that should be interesting, considering some days i can't leave my bed. but i spoke with the professor and made sure he understood i wasn't being purposefully disrespectful of his knowledge o rhis time, and that i would do the best i could. so, game on.
XX. communicating electronically. avoiding awakward conversations by keeping the communication to email never ends well. trust me, i've had many an electronic misunderstanding and back/forth insults. in the end, it only leads to MORE unresolved issues and more awkward tension that will only end by having a real talk. in person. or on the phone, if like me, you lent your private jet to brangelina for their french birthing experience.
XX. JURY DUTY! yes, i meant to color code that as a yellow- i mean, this is big news! meg menzies morgensen is wanted as an integral part in our nation's judicial process in the booming metropolis of.... oh wait, i'm not in DC anymore. but hey, at least lewisburg wants me! when the majority of you receive that little slip of paper in the mail, your stomach drops to your feet and rolls around on the carpeting, spilling the contents of your intestines and colon. not fun, is it? but me? i almost did a jig! in fact, i would have if we hadn't JUST returned home from the MS Walk wkend in DC and i was a walking, swollen, zombie. i don't blame them for wanting me, i mean i'm practically the poster child for ideal juror. i mean, i have watched every episode of law & order, law & order SVU, and law & order criminal intent- i know my stuff. (i will prob be dismissed once they see the cane and my list of daily meds. oh well, a girl can dream.)
XX. DVR. so here's to you mr. high tech geek man who came up with this device when you had to make the difficult choice to watch saved by the bell: college years AND dawson's creek. steve pointed out that i am a fan of every show on television (on my facebook page) and i have to admit... he's right. i'm totally pathetic. but seriously, the world of DVR is like this dreamland of television viewing. when you throw HBO and extended cable into the mix- wow, the options are ENDLESS. i haven't had cable since i lived at home in 1997. and man, it has really upped its game during that decade. mad props to the media monsters!
XX. "how i met your mother"- the CBS monday night sitcom. whenever i watch the show i'm transported back to DC in the year 2004. we're all broke as a joke, everyone is taking their turn dating each other, we're all working way too many hours for a pathetic excuse of a paycheck, fetching coffees and pastries for morning meetings, and spending our weekends drinking boxed wine and 12 pks of millers lite. anyway, back to why i love "how i met..."- in a recent episode, marshall & lily were about 10 minutes away from losing their newly purchased apartment before they had even moved in (marshall had quit his high paying corporate sleazebag job in a crazy dramatic moral decision, and they couldn't come up with the money to pay their first mortgage.) ahh, friends...
slumber party at the PA bed/breakfast AKA morgensen household (elle, meg, dt & beau)
XX. reconnecting. a couple weeks ago i had a surprise email waiting in my inbox from a former client from my Bremmer & Goris days. she had recently spoken with julie, who is pretty much the rock star of B&G these days, and had subsequently gotten my contact info from her. (btw jules, does this mean you're giving out my info to anyone off the street? what a pal. remember they must have health insurance, straight teeth, and don't live with their mother.) anyway, i was so psyched to hear from her. kathy was not your typical client- she was a mentor to me, and a role model for women everywhere who try to have it all. i know that comes across as a bit over the top, but it's true. to be completely honest, i attribute some of the success i had in the industry itself, and future agencies, to her- at least before my career was cut a bit short. (sensitive subject w/ me.)but there's another reason why kathy has a place in the exclusive meg memory stash, that exemplifies why i consider her a mentor and role model. let's revisit the year 2005, when i was project manager @ B&G- it was an exhausting year of (unsuccessfully) trying to hide my MS diagnosis from my coworkers and clients alike. the steroids had depleted my immune system, and i had picked up bronchitis which turned into pneumonia, and about 3 cases of strep throat during the whole ordeal. but no matter how many layers of makeup i put on each morning to hide my pale skin and sunken eyes, or how many times i plastered that auto smile across my face- i was finally forced to take more and more time off as the flareups increased in both intensity and frequency. one afternoon, i received a card from kathy and the timing couldn't have been better- it was during one of the worst episodes so far. she didn't ignore the hot pink elephant in the room, but she addressed it in a very considerate way. in a simple, direct manner, she let me know that she was thinking about me, missed working on projects together, and that she was there for me- if i wanted her to be. i'll never forget it.
XX. oprah's new show, the big give. i'm a huge oprah fan, so the fact that this rant is in RED is quite out of character for me. i feel so guilty, like i should throw myself at her feet and beg for mercy- i'm sorry oprah, i'm sorry!! the show is based on the whole "pay it forward" concept- loosely based on random acts of kindness to complete strangers. the show was hyped as spreading the idea of community service and the overuse of the phrase "... give big, or go home." but it couldn't be further from that promise, b/c what it all came down to was... money. shocking. but that wasn't the only reason the show left me with a bad taste in my mouth. (similar to that metallic steroid aftertaste) at the end of the day, it was just another competition. yeah, yeah, yeah... i get that the whole challenge was to see who could "give" the most, and isn't that a "healthy" and "positive" competition?
no, b/c there is no such thing as a healthy competition. and the contestants sure played their parts well... there wasn't any displays of teamwork, of collaboration, of respect. instead they all looked out for #1- definitely not a positive character trait in community service. i was really let down by this- i mean, hello, oprah pretty much is the rockstar of the 20th century! here she had the perfect platform to showcase the importance of giving back, showing real people get their hands dirty and change lives for the better, to get to the heart of peoples' hurt and hopes- to anyone & everyone.
instead, the big O had the contestants working the phones, from huge corporations to their own personal connections- and asking for money. where's the human interaction? that's what makes a difference to people, that's what people remember. not giving huge amounts of cash to people that have fatal cancer or 105 foster children and calling it a day. not that these people don't deserve help- they do. but so does everyone else. what about the elderly woman who can't mow her lawn? or the guy in your office that needs help with his taxes? what about your neighbor who needs someone to watch her son so she can make her 10pm shift? or the single father who needs to take his daughter shopping for a prom dress? would this not be giving big? because helping any one of these people with the mentioned small need will leave them with a big impression, i promise you that.
XX. dr. randy pausch and the last lecture. this has become something of a youtube inspirational sensation, and i decided to see what the big hype was about when he was on Primetime a few weeks ago. for those of you that have been living under a rock (or piles of job jackets), randy is a carnegie mellon professor who is dying of pancreatic cancer, and the way he has decided to handle this fatal blow has inspired millions of people already. CMU has an honor it bestows to professors who are leaving the university to pursue other employment or usually retirement, they call it "the last lecture". but in randy's case, the lecture truly is his last, as the doctors have given him only 3-6 mo to live. everything- the lecture itself, the primetime segment, the book he wrote... it's most definitely moving. but during his interview with diane sawyer, he said something that deeply resonated with me... "if i don't seem as depressed or morose as i should be, sorry to disappoint you... "
i don't usually fulfill peoples' expectations when they hear that i am so sick and that the MS is kicking my @$$. i'm not quite sure what they expected, but it's definitely not a girl wearing makeup, dressed in fashionable clothing, a smile on her face, laughing, photographs of this woman with friends, in social environments- outwardly, i'm the same person they always knew, and it becomes hard to accept otherwise, when what they are literally seeing isn't representative of the truth. but when i'm in the wheelchair, or struggling with my cane and the endless pavement in front of me, i can feel the way some people look at me differently. like i'm broken, or not as capable. it's hard for some to understand why i am in horrible amounts of pain but yet i still refuse to ride in the chair- i feel humiliated and embaressed by it. and it's b/c of these looks- these looks of pity and of curiosity. i appreciate the pep talks, but come on- we all think like that. and hopefully i will get over my insecurity, b/c i don't want to miss out on things b/c i physically cannot keep up with the rest of my world. but i can still do everything i used to do- i just have to do it differently. and yes, it may take longer, and yes, some days i may not be able to do it at all- i've just evolved, i've changed. it's goingt o happen to all of us at some point or another. so embrace it. and most of all, accept it. accept me.
XX. monday night's tv lineup. dancing with the stars, the bachelor, the hills (season 3)... now THAT is a triple threat. a few things i have to get out of my system. if you have no clue what i'm talking about just continue on to my next secret pleasure or pain. 1- audrina is a spineless, 2 faced b*otch- for letting heidi horrible use her (BLATANTLY!), going back to justin bobby (who looks even worse with short hair) and finally, playing innocent about her nude photos that are suddenly all over the internet. as far as the bachelor goes... do the producers just FIND girls that are psycho and fall in love with any male that gives them a passing glance? or maybe when you get in that first limo, they hypnotize you and put you through a "dumb blonde slut" chamber. one of the girls i myself have fallen in love with is shane. she is totally high maintenance and doesn't care- love that trait! plus she has my fashion sense- another trait that is nothin' but fab. but amanda? how many times does she need to say like in one sentence? expand your vocabulary sweetheart! dancing with the stars always leaves me with a twinge of sadness- i would love to learn how to ballroom dance. but at this point, i don't even know how that could be possible. i'm dizzy from turning my head quickly to watch a dog run by- i'd be passin' out more than marie osmond.
XX. baby boom!!! while of course i wouldn't renounce reproduction and encouraging the population of our future world, i DO just want to make it clear that we have reached capacity for babies this summer. if you were holding out the surprise guest until it happened then TOO BAD. hahah. but seriously, as more and more of you revealed your pregnancy status to me in the late fall, i began to tally how many little bare bottoms would be smacked in july. the number has reached SEVEN. SEVEN! what was there? some massive chain email that made halloween & thanksgiving national baby making holidays?!
XX. telemarketers. is there anything worse than telemarketers who somehow break through the national do not call registry to ring you up on a sunday morning? i didn't think so either. that is, until the primaries came to PA and the answer became LOUD & clear... CAMPAIGN telemarketers who call on sunday mornings. aaaaaaaaaaand sunday afternoons, and sunday nights, and monday mornings... need i continue? thankfully the vote is now over, and the less than minimum wage 20-somethings are shifting their dialing fingers to north carolina to enjoy some southern hospitality! yay!
to be continued...
remember, you can view these postings directly on kitkat chat's blog
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