what's up with me

i'm not sleeping well.

this is obvious by the fact that i am posting this at nearly 4am. when you can't sleep for the majority of the nighttime, there is ample opportunity for inner reflection. my non professional opinion of my recent insomnia flare has 2 plausible theories.

the first is medical, and somewhat boring- i am no longer on any medication that helps me sleep (ie ambien.) during my major insomnia period of 2006/07, i tried every prescription (and non prescription) drug on the market (and some that weren't.) memorable ones included chloral hydrate (which used to be given to women in insane asylums of the 19th century to knock them out, and most recently, small children who were terrified of MRIs and other minor medical procedure) and klonopin that gave me nightmares of cynthia nixon holding a knife in my bathroom. There was ambien, ambien CR, benedryl, hot milk, lunesta, restoril, klonopin, sonata, chamomile tea...

the second is more introspective, but i have settled on the theme of privacy. i've always been extremely independent (and incredibly stubborn)- but since my health collapse in late '06, i've been forced to be the complete opposite. i'm so dependent on others that i sometimes withdraw because i am so frustrated and angry. i'm used to living alone, and i covet my privacy. even though i'm living at home, with my parents, in a huge house, i technically can maintain my privacy. but my health has become such a family topic- it's used in every conversation, every reasoning, every decision, every excuse, every plan. sometimes i feel like my life is too much of an open book, and when this type of thinking starts, i get homesick for the life i used to live. at night, when everyone is asleep (even the cats- madeline is asleep on my lap as i try to type with half her body weight on one hand), i crave the solace, the peace, that being completely alone brings.

so there you have it, my non phD/MD diagnosis of this current flareup of insomnia. since i am currently trying to enjoy my privacy, i must ask you to leave. bonne nuit!