it's not infrequent to hear testimonials and revelations of faith that piggyback onto a chronic illness or a devastating circumstance. perhaps "piggyback" is the wrong word, b/c i don't mean for it to have a negative connotation. i think it's only natural to ponder your own mortality when faced with the news of a loss of a loved one, or an unexplainable illness. i recognize that there are many levels of faith, none being "better" or "right" if compared to another. there is no guidebook, no God for Dummies version- even if there was, your faith is personal, it's not based on the actions or beliefs of others. i truly believe that faith can take any form you choose, its presence morphing itself into an acceptable sidekick in your walk of life. but i can only speak from my own experience...
when i was a little girl, i believed in unicorns, fairies, the tooth fairy, a handsome prince, toys that came to life, animals that talked, santa claus. of course, now that i'm old (and bitter- ha ha), i've had my heart broken, been betrayed by friends, mislead by those i trusted, been disappointed in others- long story short, i have a critical view and defensive edge to everything i encounter. i'm not so good with things that cannot be explained- i prefer to call its bluff every time. i want reasons, i want facts, i want plans (i want backup plans), i want to know how, why and when. i'm stubborn as hell. (does this sound familiar to anyone?)
so being faced with all those daunting health obstacles and all that jazz of the last few years, i found myself having to digest and accept a life-long challenge.life-long. that's forever- how do you even wrap your head around that?! suddenly, i couldn't answer any of the hows, whys, whens that i demanded. i was going insane for 3 years- i looked everywhere, i talked to anyone who would listen, i read any book i could get my hands on, i googled the hell out of it, i analyzed every symptom, trying to manipulate its cause and effect. but the more i tried to change it, the more i tried to deny its existence, my faith started to take over. it was minimal at first, i don't think i was even aware, and the takeover was gradual. but slowly, a sense of calm, and a feeling of peace crept into my heart. and as my disease grew, taking over so many aspects of my personal life, my faith strengthened right along with it- maybe even more.
you might find this odd- shouldn't i be angry with God? i am a good person, i respect others, i go to church occasionally, i pray for loved ones each night. truly God was punishing me, no? if i were a true Christian, wouldn't God take my pain away? but instead i see the opposite- i believe that because I am a Christian, God gave me this pain. i like to believe that because i have beared this disease, another child or woman will not have to. there is be a greater good that is coming out of this time in my life, and i am leading the way without knowing the directions. so while i wait to understand and see that, i try to focus on myself, and my actions, and make sure they live up to the ideals i hold so close.
yesterday (sunday) was a memorable day for our family, and a cheers! to the life we are beginning to create in this new town. yesterday morning, my parents and i were officially accepted by the elders of First Presbyterian Church (FBC) in lewisburg, and were introduced to the congregation during the morning's worship service. standing up by the pulpit, with 2 other new member families, i was almost bursting with pride. you hear people use this phrase, especially parents when it comes to their childrens' achievements, but at that moment, i truly understood how they must feel. it means so much to me that my parents took such a huge step in their personal faith to get to that moment. i knew how nervous my mother was to share her feelings publicly on faith, and i knew my father felt conflicted when it came down to joining the church. but they did it, and we all stood in front of such love and acceptance- and at that moment, i felt so safe, and so content. it was as if someone was patting me on my back, saying "you were meant to do this."
after worship service, we were ushered down to the parlor, where we were to meet other members of the church. we were positioned in a receiving line beside the barlett family, and nicole & chris (a brother/sister- nicole has the most adorable, and happy, baby girl!)- i planted myself in a huge armchair (as i *this close* to the wall of exhaustion!). endless members of the church waited in line to shake our hands, or to give us a welcome hug. i was astounded. i have never experienced anything like it- i felt so welcomed, and so genuinely cared for, by people who only the hour before, didn't even know i existed! (for a moment, i felt like i was getting married!!)
but let me back up a few months, share some of the hows and whys of the story. moving has a huge impact on your life. suddenly you are in a strange town, you know no one, and there is no social outlet or circle for which to turn. until this has happened to you, it is difficult to comprehend how achingly lonely it can feel. my parents and i have been lucky to have each other during this time, especially since the norm is you are usually moving away from family as you age, and not back towards each other. over the course of the spring, mom and i frequently expressed to each other that we wanted to find a church we could call home, but this was difficult to do since i was incapacitated in many ways throughout those months. i wasn't physically capable to walk up the steps into the sanctuaries, or have the energy to sit in the pews for an hour at a time. but the summer months came, and with it i grew stronger, and our "church hop 2007" tour began. (if you have ever visited us, you'll remember that we didn't have to go far in this tour- the churches are literally steps from each other. i affectionately call the area "church square.")
my brother and i were raised presbyterian, and my parents attended the same church throughout most of our childhood. so the local FBC seemed a natural first step. after the visit, we both walked away with a strong impression of faith and a true compassion from the people of the church. but this was our first foray into Lewisburbug's religious sector, and we wanted to be open to other possibilities. so we gave it the good ol' college try, attending both of the Methodist churches, a Lutheran church, an Episcopalian church.... but we kept coming back to FBC. ironically enough, each time we would encounter another connection- the piano tuner's wife, neighbors down the street, a coworker of dad's. the sermons were always relevant, and the mindset of the preacher was so true to life- real life.
this is a natural foray into the whole point of this posting. as i type this, my right hand is partially numb, but has included the next step of prickly, painful "pins & needles" that is supposed to come AFTER the numbness. (clearly my body didn't get the memo.) it's an odd sensation to be typing, but forcing my fingers into positions that i know mentally will move the keys. this is where faith fits in- it's everywhere. it's in everything we do, everything we say, everything we work for. for me especially, i don't know how much my life will change as the effects of my MS grows. i don't know if i'll be in a wheelchair, or if i will lose the use of my hands, or if my vision will turn against me. so for me, the only way I can move forward, both knowing and accepting my condition, is through a strong foundation of beliefs. and this is how faith fits in- it envelopes us in comfort and courage to move forward in our lives without knowing every detail of every step along the way.i want to wrap up this post with a very simple, yet applicable, prayer from the author, Richard Morgan, from his novel Settling In: My First Year in a Retirement Community,
Keeper of our days,
if only we can risk the unknown
and not cling to the familiar,
we will learn of your grace and strength.
Amen.
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